I’ve known I haven’t felt right. I knew I was down, depressed, my anxiety was going crazy. I started staying away from crowds. I sat by myself at games even afterwards it was a simple hello to other parents if I had to. Nothing against them (and not always) it was me. I stopped answering my phone for friends, family, strangers it didn’t matter it exhausted me at the thought of even having to listen to them much less talk. I stopped going out anywhere except one small gambling joint a mile up the road that a small group of close people with my sense of humor and willingness to listen to me whenever I walk through the door.
I speak of this like it’s past tense….. it’s not!!!! It’s very much a present problem. I have realized I have hit rock bottom and I can not get up. This hasn’t been an issue for a week or 2, not even a month… try ONE YEAR!!
I can’t even open my mail. I rarely check it but when I do I throw it unopened on the table like there is a debt collector going to jump out and take the last of my money I don’t have anyway. It completely puts me into stress overload. I try to sit down and go through it since it has overtaken my table and it’s an instant panic attack. So I mentally flip it off and walk out the door like it doesn’t exist after getting my wits about myself.
I need to get a job. I have always worked. I’m a licensed respiratory therapist. I sit down to apply to an old job I have missed so much and again complete anxiety overload. What happens if I’m away and I can’t get to my kids and my kids need me and why try and the mental tornado goes again. I was the go to level headed therapist that has helped save many lives I’ve helped run codes and then some. Now I do good to get up and clean up and get my kids to school and fed and practices like I have my shit together to fool everyone.
I don’t lie if people ask. I’m too brutally honest but I’m a disaster! But this is the first time I have really realized I can’t get myself out of it. I have always been able to. Now I can’t hardly get myself off the couch and I see no end in sight. Realizing how long it has been that I have been a “nothing” in my eyes.
I’ve set goals, made lists, even incentives for finishing things…. guess what I’ve done…. Nothing- Zip- Zilch -Zero!!!!!! Some stuff is like mega important too! But I just somehow manage to pretend it doesn’t exist.
So yes today I had my meltdown my true coming to the feet of Jesus meltdown confessing my weakness and my bad and the tears just flowed and flowed.
Thus today is Step 1: I AM BROKEN! I admit it! And to my ex’s no I’m not going to loose it and go postal on my kids I would truly commit myself first. Actually I would probably do that now just to get better treatment and quicker but it’s because of you that I don’t I know how you will run wild with that. You love to talk enough and I’m sure you would try some damage somehow.
I’ve done a lot of research though. It’s ok it’s probably curtesy of the ex’s I’m where I’m at now anyway hahaha (seriously). I know without a doubt I suffer from PTSD and a multitude of other issues.
Legalize weed and get to selling already! I don’t smoke and I want it! Maybe that will help me! If nothing else. I know I can’t forever go on like this.
There is such a huge sense of hopelessness, segregation, worthlessness. Just like I truly sit and wonder why I’m even here anymore and what good it does.
Trust me to some this may sound so over dramatic. Once upon a time I would have thought the exact same. Lazy ass go to work suck it up you will get over it. I would pay anything I had to feel better (minus my kids lives).
So my game plan for step one is simple:
I’m going down to the mental health clinic and waiting until someone sees and talks to me if that’s possible. It’s a horrible snow day so praying for lots of cancellations.!
Wish me luck!!!!!!!