Reality….   but you can’t be real……

Reality…. but you can’t be real……

I went to the doctor this past week. They of course take you in and do the ever dreaded vitals where you get to see if your still fat and showing how old you are with your crappy high BP. … Continue reading

When is pass…. Put me in the black dress

After months in the new place I took my frustration out on the bedroom and cleaned it. Surprisingly it only took about 2 hours. Idk why now… I guess just straightening up messes before I go.

It’s only a matter of time. I am weak and becoming weaker. My legs can’t walk through this much longer and my heart is slowing down. I find myself staring for long periods of time at nothing. Fantasies about days that are no longer pain filled. I want to not be the inconvenience in everyone’s life.

So I will soon be gone…. when that time comes put me in the black dress I laid out. And know I will always love you and I am very sorry for being such a problem filled life for you………

All of you.

I SUCK

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So I haven’t written in forever…. Life has been a tornado to say the least! I met a guy (on and online dating app). My last effort at finding someone I can tolerate for even a month. So I had … Continue reading

Rollercoaster Hell…..

The ups and downs of a rollercoaster have always made me sick! When life gets thrown through rollercoaster hell it is no better! I don’t like the breakup makeup relationships. What’s the point? You end up resentful and alone unless you are in a “honeymoon” phase for the millionth time.

So my relationship has been horrible as you well know. I have longed for just a happy medium. Trust me there is zero benefit to to taking my emotions or a ride. Ask him…. 3 weeks is my cooling off and letting it go timeframe. So needless to say my life has been in a constant shit storm. Pretty close to at least a year I have been a miserable being.

My self worth has been zilch, my energy levels next to nothing, my desire for anything… what desire?

Just absolutely miserable in my existence! However, for my well-being, and need for a drastic change I woke up to the realization that I either get out of this crap hole of a relationship or I try and make things work.

Watching your life for the past 2 years swirl the toilet is tough. It was an easier decision than I thought in the end. One last chance, I was going to actually try and really put myself out there. What’s the worst that can happen we do flush finally? That’s ok too at least I can say I tried too because I wasn’t at all!

It’s tough to wake up and realize that they aren’t the only ones screwing up.

We shall see………

STEP 1: I’M BROKEN…

I’ve known I haven’t felt right. I knew I was down, depressed, my anxiety was going crazy. I started staying away from crowds. I sat by myself at games even afterwards it was a simple hello to other parents if I had to. Nothing against them (and not always) it was me. I stopped answering my phone for friends, family, strangers it didn’t matter it exhausted me at the thought of even having to listen to them much less talk. I stopped going out anywhere except one small gambling joint a mile up the road that a small group of close people with my sense of humor and willingness to listen to me whenever I walk through the door.

I speak of this like it’s past tense….. it’s not!!!! It’s very much a present problem. I have realized I have hit rock bottom and I can not get up. This hasn’t been an issue for a week or 2, not even a month… try ONE YEAR!!

I can’t even open my mail. I rarely check it but when I do I throw it unopened on the table like there is a debt collector going to jump out and take the last of my money I don’t have anyway. It completely puts me into stress overload. I try to sit down and go through it since it has overtaken my table and it’s an instant panic attack. So I mentally flip it off and walk out the door like it doesn’t exist after getting my wits about myself.

I need to get a job. I have always worked. I’m a licensed respiratory therapist. I sit down to apply to an old job I have missed so much and again complete anxiety overload. What happens if I’m away and I can’t get to my kids and my kids need me and why try and the mental tornado goes again. I was the go to level headed therapist that has helped save many lives I’ve helped run codes and then some. Now I do good to get up and clean up and get my kids to school and fed and practices like I have my shit together to fool everyone.

I don’t lie if people ask. I’m too brutally honest but I’m a disaster! But this is the first time I have really realized I can’t get myself out of it. I have always been able to. Now I can’t hardly get myself off the couch and I see no end in sight. Realizing how long it has been that I have been a “nothing” in my eyes.

I’ve set goals, made lists, even incentives for finishing things…. guess what I’ve done…. Nothing- Zip- Zilch -Zero!!!!!! Some stuff is like mega important too! But I just somehow manage to pretend it doesn’t exist.

So yes today I had my meltdown my true coming to the feet of Jesus meltdown confessing my weakness and my bad and the tears just flowed and flowed.

Thus today is Step 1: I AM BROKEN! I admit it! And to my ex’s no I’m not going to loose it and go postal on my kids I would truly commit myself first. Actually I would probably do that now just to get better treatment and quicker but it’s because of you that I don’t I know how you will run wild with that. You love to talk enough and I’m sure you would try some damage somehow.

I’ve done a lot of research though. It’s ok it’s probably curtesy of the ex’s I’m where I’m at now anyway hahaha (seriously). I know without a doubt I suffer from PTSD and a multitude of other issues.

Legalize weed and get to selling already! I don’t smoke and I want it! Maybe that will help me! If nothing else. I know I can’t forever go on like this.

There is such a huge sense of hopelessness, segregation, worthlessness. Just like I truly sit and wonder why I’m even here anymore and what good it does.

Trust me to some this may sound so over dramatic. Once upon a time I would have thought the exact same. Lazy ass go to work suck it up you will get over it. I would pay anything I had to feel better (minus my kids lives).

So my game plan for step one is simple:

I’m going down to the mental health clinic and waiting until someone sees and talks to me if that’s possible. It’s a horrible snow day so praying for lots of cancellations.!

Wish me luck!!!!!!!

What’s Going On

You would think it was spring…. these guys have came out of the woodworks. Yes, I suppose you could say I’m taken but really I’m not. I can’t put myself into it and through it any more.

You only live once, total fact. I have always said I want to live as right as possible. I want to enjoy life, be happy, and not fight. I also don’t want to be under someone’s thumb either. What good is that? These guys who think they should rule over you tell you what to do, how to do it and when you should…. well their idiots. Yep, I’m the idiot who has managed to find every one of them.

I really thought this one was it. However, it started and never stopped.

You Say

You say you love her more than anything. She is your everything. The most amazing girl in the world… your soulmate? Bullsh$t!!!! You have taken every secret, every vulnerability she trusted you with and exposed it all. You take it … Continue reading

Jet Lag

It always happens after the holidays the jet lag catches up with you. Let’s face it you spent the last month (at least) stressing your guts out about the perfect gifts and how you were going to pay for all of it. There was that one person you dreaded having to see that if we are being honest would probably rather have let a cat scratch their eyes out than see you too. You had 25 gatherings that you wondered how to get out of at least 23 of them. Decorating, cooking, wrapping, in the car, out of the car rush rush rush.

We stress ourselves out over the uncontrollable. We put unrealistic pressures on our lives. All for the few short days that’s Christmas.

When it’s all over we have a bare tree underneath, the phones have stopped ringing, and no one is just dropping by. It is now silent and empty. You would think that the relief of it being over would just be enough but for most of us it is not.

Life just picks up and moves on even through our exhaustion. We just keep looking forward as we hear commercials telling us 364 days until Christmas. Just then it happens…. the jet lag. It knocks the breath out of us. Some of us are without cares other of us land on our bottoms. There is that small percentage that do not make it out unscathed. For those of you in that category you are not alone my friends. But just breathe tomorrow is going to be another day. Bright side if that one sucks too there is another and another after that and they won’t all blow.

BACK OFF A$$Hole

We all want life to run a certain way. When it glitches it’s frustrating – beyond reason at times. But seriously??? Back off a$$hole!

We have all been there at one point in our lives or another with relationships, friendships, work, family, a money pit house or car lol. They come in many shapes and sizes but why do they have to always seem to screw you when you are just going about life minding your own business.

It’s like when you think just maybe today is the day that you can have a decent one, karma from some previous life come and smacks you in the face all over again!

Freaggin’ seriously? Leave me alone already. I have more than paid my dues to karma like 50xs over so back the flip off! Just because I didn’t say or do exactly what was “expected” is it really worth being like this?

I just take a deep breath and walk away…. Thats not the response you are looking for either but it’s the only reaction I have for now. I’m tired and thus I just walk away….. one day I won’t be back!