My Friend

  
I lean on you for support…. When times are tough I go to you for advice. When I’m angry you listen to me vent. If I’m sad I can cry without judgement. However,  I can’t seem to face you today. I can’t let you see this pain. I can’t answer the phone and let you hear the agony. You will know I’m lost. The worry will bother you for weeks. I know you all too well. 

I want to reach out and tell you about the stabbing pain and all my worries. I can’t.  We all have our own problems I don’t want to bother you today… And maybe not tomorrow. You know me too well. 

You sense things my family doesn’t hear. You catch the doubt and sorrow. You know when I’m broken. Sometimes I hate that more than anything because I am the strong one. I keep everything together. 

Please don’t be upset or worried. I am fine. Yes I am in the corner of the room crying but I will be fine I just need to have my moment (or couple of days). I will snap out of it.  I will make it through this with you my friend. I will eventually be able to talk without my lips quivering and tears in my eyes. 

Sobbing unconditionally won’t happen soon enough. I have you my friend. You keep me strong even when we aren’t together or talking. I know I have to make it through. We need eachother. 

I love you dearly even through the battles….  My friend. 

I don’t want it to end… Begin… End… Begin….

  Because I chose to be the bigger person things have been going sooooo much smoother between me and the whole family. 

But oh my gosh I am taking so much on trying to bother my mom as little as possible. It’s practice here, games at the same time an hour and a half away yesterday. Today more of the same with a kid needing to go an hour in the opposite direction. Plus I’ve juggled one of the kids’ friend and an extra practice pickup. It’s time changes, site changes, practices going over, rain delays!!!

The day ends only to begin again…..  I don’t want to keep up with the madness!!!!!!   

The younger kids go to their dads for 2 weeks starting Sunday night. You would think this would give me a sigh of relief and I would be preparing for all the R&R and travel I could cram in…. Yeah not so much. I have huge anxiety about them being gone for so long. Not that they won’t be safe, however,  they are my security blanket too. They make me feel safe and not so alone. When the kids aren’t around I am so lonely and unmotivated.  

This has been such a rough patch I’m not sure I’m ready to be on my own for that long……

I don’t want this week to end…. I don’t want today to begin…. End…. Begin…. Im just not ready!!!!   

Being Bigger Sucks…..

being the bigger person…… Ughhhh that’s always me….  Not so sure where in the heck that attribute came from.  I grew up with great parents very upstanding, kind, generous, and honest. However, sweeping things under the rug to never touch on them again was their specialty. 

Not me though….  By gosh I like to kick a dead horse!  

I let things go but I like to talk things out and through. By gosh if need be I apologize!!!!!   Don’t get me wrong I feel pretty justified in most things I do lol but sorry is one of the most simple words ever to help everything.  But sometimes it sucks being the bigger person and making the first move!

I did we are all on talking terms again hahaha but they would have just all stayed away until they needed or wanted something from me. That’s what really makes my blood boil. Ohhhhhh well,  there has to be at least one in the family or the whole dang family probably wouldn’t talk. 

Tomorrow has to be better….  On a bright note it is my sons last day of school.  No more fights for 2 months daily hahahahaha we do however have summer Drivers Ed!   Thank goodness NOT everyday

Please Just Punch Me In The Face Before Kicking Me In The GuttĀ 

  
For the first time in nearly a month my son and I spent an evening together and didnt fight! It was amazing…. I have stayed backed away for as long as I could. He was only getting worse. He hadnt went to school 3 of 6 days and was late the other 3….

Yeah their approach wasnt working. So I made a dr appointment. He loves his dr they have an awesome bond (with sports) and shes great! So i picked him up and hauled him to her office (i had already discussed all of my concerns with her prior to getting him from school and thus I had to say nothing) When it was time to talk with him I simply slipped out and never came back. He walked out looking more relaxed and refreshed than he had in months. She told me he had made a decision and realized he needed to do better and if he didnt I was to bring him back IMMEDIATELY!! He wasnt even mad at me. I didnt question their conversations at all. I want him to have that type of connection with someone that he feels he can talk anything with and its a little off limits (there is no one better for that to be than a Nurse Practitioner who loves him and who has his health and best interest at heart)

I felt better yesterday evening than than i have in forever it felt! That carried over into today!

My moms birthday is in 3 days. She is in need of a new clothes drier. So weeks ago went to the local appliance store we get everything from and paid for a new one with a 10 year warranty to be delivered asap. Well that happened to be today. Which worked well for me. I made a pretty and huge bow and signed a card from the kids and had it there and the kids as she got home today…… She hated it apparently said it was a waste of money and didnt want it. I was outside. It was my 10 year old who came out upset and told me.

Seriously????? Please just punch me in the face before you kick me in the gutt!!! Maybe it would hurt less!

I just gathered the younger three up and decided to head home before I burst into tears. As the kids jumped into the car it hit me I had had enough…..

Yes, she is my mother. However, all my life I have watched my dad not appreciate any gift my mother would get him no matter how big or small, expensive or cheep, from her or from us girls on the tag. We would be so excited only to watch him snarl his nose or make a degrading comment about it. It cut like a knife. Over time it scared me. Since then I have ran into so many people in my life who followed suit hurting my feelings. Those people I worked so hard putting thought and love into each thing I picked out. Most of all  it wasted time and money just to be crushed….

I waltzed back into my moms house she came towards me with a smile… My response to her “Really?? You had to say that infront of the kids. they were excited and you act like that” She was trying to smooth it all over by starting to say something about how “we shouldnt have”…
All i could do was point at her and say “I cant do anything right can I…. you are acting just like my father”….. I stormed out of the door and left….

It wouldnt be an issue if it were my one of my sisters who had done it…. Im the broke one, the one going nowhere fast, worthless. Ya know that one in your family who just can’t seem to take flight no matter how hard they try. That one that you wonder can anyone really have that much bad luck or is she just enjoying being a waste and a mooch.

yeah well i DON’T…. I’m tired of being the “looser”… yes my fam is way too nice to say that outloud…. but come on I am not a fool…..

This is why I shouldnt try anything….. Why I should just stay at my home away from everyone. If Nothing else I wont feel this heartbreak!!! What’s to come next????   

My Ex is Wanted…. Ughhh

Through the years I have tried to stay as far away from the psychopath as possible. Was he really or is this for dramatics??? Well….  He was bipolar and wouldn’t take meds or try to recieve and therapy he medicated with illegal drugs, alcohol, and any other crazy there was available. He is who I give all the credit to my PTSD. I lived a year of hard core mental and physical abuse (though much more mental).  Then for the next 3 years all mental….

The threats were insane but I knew he was too. What little bit he may have lacked I knew the drugs he were on could fill the gaps without problems. 

Over the years he disappeared into his underground world then to prison etc. He did somehow manage to get a good job out west for 2 years and keep up a fairly regular child support payment. Surprise… Like all good things it came to a complete and abrupt halt….  

I received a message from the girl who had reproduced with him and tried to have a family life with him also. He was spiraling down hill. He never stopped the drug use he had just tired to doctors who would write him prescription drugs and he was abusive as ever. She had left him. He had taken her baby. Smh….. Some people have no sense…..

He’s back in the limelight. Luckily not here in this town for my kids to have to see. However, I am declaring to make a picture book of mugshots and news articles incase there is any discrepancy.  This is the guy I knew. This is the one I marred and beat me down mentally and physically and I barely got out of there with my life. The scars are still there. 

Watch me walk through walmart and look up and think that is him at the other end of the isle or answer the phone and it be him on the other line….  Words can not describe how my heart stops and I can’t breathe. 

There are some days I don’t want to go anywhere (I find some places harder to go to than others).  I look over my shoulder I consider him and his family when I take a job or go anywhere. I worry at a constant rate for my kids. 

He’s wanted now for failure to appear for some recent charges…. There’s a huge surprise…. Did they not look at his small encyclopedia of criminal history and see that one coming?  But him being wanted…. Could draw him back here to this area to hide… And put him that much deeper into drugs or not caring.  He doesn’t have anything else to loose at this point. 

So yes thanks a$$h@le for my PTSD

Define a tear

Beauty unseen within the deepest of pain

I Just Want To Survive

As I set here there is a smile,

Insind the stabbing pain you will never see,

I walk away they come,

The tears

Empty, no one can touch me I am so far away

I hear everyone

No one can hear the screaming and crying pain deep within

It cries tears that could flood the planes

You see nothing

I reach out with subtle words you never hear

I am alone

With my tears

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Sleeping to get through

i slept……  Then slept some more…..

The kids came home and I was up for another 2 hours and back asleep again….. 

It’s painful to be awake… But awake without the kids there just seems to be no point.   

Soooo I sleep to get through those times without them here.  Keeps me out of trouble too!! Hahaha

Depression is a never ending battle you have good and bad days on MEDS or off…..  It’s the triggers and you have to be aware of everything. It’s exhausting.  TGE perfect parole of the world telling you their perfect lives and how to fix yours. Lol  watching those people you are always there for when they need you not be there in your time of need. Yeah thanks….  

It’s ok though I just sleep to get through. 

Suicide

  alone in a crowd, on the phone with a best friend that’s a stranger, time that never ends but seems to stand still, pain that is so deep it cant be numbed; Behind the smiles it is empty, lifeless rutines … Continue reading

Worse

seriously???  I lay the law down only to be withdrawn involuntary……  I give it the white flag….. My daughter is upset with me too…. My son my daughter my my mom and sisters im they’re all against me t this point. Im just trying to stand ground I don’t have feet in….

I am nearly done trying…..  I will never truly give up on my kids but I don’t know what to do when I have no control. This was not my choice. It hurts so bad. Tired of being alone in this……..

2 Steps Back

Who was I fooling…..

All was well, lol

Everything unleashes and I’m back to realizing my goal is to survive. 

Stay calm (as calm as possible), breathe,  get through the date it’s all kids accounted for……

They are that matter to me. I don’t care how ragged I am ran or sad…  They can break my heart so quickly. 

Physical abuse can be seen for a period of time and it heals. Emotional abuse is soooo different though….  It’s very hard to overcome and sometimes that is never achieved.  Amazing the difference. 

And so to this I say I am still here…. Surviving…