You Say

You say you love her more than anything. She is your everything. The most amazing girl in the world… your soulmate? Bullsh$t!!!! You have taken every secret, every vulnerability she trusted you with and exposed it all. You take it … Continue reading

Jet Lag

It always happens after the holidays the jet lag catches up with you. Let’s face it you spent the last month (at least) stressing your guts out about the perfect gifts and how you were going to pay for all of it. There was that one person you dreaded having to see that if we are being honest would probably rather have let a cat scratch their eyes out than see you too. You had 25 gatherings that you wondered how to get out of at least 23 of them. Decorating, cooking, wrapping, in the car, out of the car rush rush rush.

We stress ourselves out over the uncontrollable. We put unrealistic pressures on our lives. All for the few short days that’s Christmas.

When it’s all over we have a bare tree underneath, the phones have stopped ringing, and no one is just dropping by. It is now silent and empty. You would think that the relief of it being over would just be enough but for most of us it is not.

Life just picks up and moves on even through our exhaustion. We just keep looking forward as we hear commercials telling us 364 days until Christmas. Just then it happens…. the jet lag. It knocks the breath out of us. Some of us are without cares other of us land on our bottoms. There is that small percentage that do not make it out unscathed. For those of you in that category you are not alone my friends. But just breathe tomorrow is going to be another day. Bright side if that one sucks too there is another and another after that and they won’t all blow.

BACK OFF A$$Hole

We all want life to run a certain way. When it glitches it’s frustrating – beyond reason at times. But seriously??? Back off a$$hole!

We have all been there at one point in our lives or another with relationships, friendships, work, family, a money pit house or car lol. They come in many shapes and sizes but why do they have to always seem to screw you when you are just going about life minding your own business.

It’s like when you think just maybe today is the day that you can have a decent one, karma from some previous life come and smacks you in the face all over again!

Freaggin’ seriously? Leave me alone already. I have more than paid my dues to karma like 50xs over so back the flip off! Just because I didn’t say or do exactly what was “expected” is it really worth being like this?

I just take a deep breath and walk away…. Thats not the response you are looking for either but it’s the only reaction I have for now. I’m tired and thus I just walk away….. one day I won’t be back!

Another Day…

Waking up is more than a task. Breathing takes all of my energy. I feel the weight of world on my chest. Migraines and muscle aches are a daily inevitable. The sun is shining but my world is dark and cold.

For so many here at the holidays know those exact feelings. For others it’s an every day struggle and just another day. The struggles are real yet make believe manifestations of the brain. How can such a complex and amazing organ play such cruel tricks? Better yet… WHY ME?

I know so selfish! Some days I say if my life sucks this bad someone else is being left alone. Other days I feel like I’m being smashed harder than anyone and I am so resentful.

I have a home, a vehicle, and 5 beautiful awesome kids. I know better than to take myself from the evilness that is this world. I have tried that before- unsuccessfully obviously lol. The hours of therapy have learned lots about how to cope with my depression and anxiety. For that I’m very thankful.

Just once though I would like to do more than just wake up and get through another day but rather live it happily and without issues…. Just one day!

Living to Die

They say there is a special place in hell for those who commit suicide. Those are the people who don’t understand severe depression. I say this is Hell! I walk through life every day living to die. Wishing for it … Continue reading

Self-destruction

Self-destruction is sooooo easily done with mental health issues. It doesn’t take much to trigger depression and anxiety anyway. But when someone is constantly telling you how worthless you are it’s so easy to become just that. When feeling pushed … Continue reading

So What’s Really Wrong?

So enough of the similes! What’s really wrong? I laugh and tell you my whole life. No one word… MEN! I am so sick of a man ruining my daily life. I married at 19 that was a joke. He beat on me the first night we said “I do”. Threw me through a door, my head through a towel rack into a tile wall then into the bathtub. Totally embarrassed I stayed and had 2 kids. I felt so trapped. I had made this huge commitment not only to this total piece of shit but to God. I stayed until I felt death was eminent and then I left. I still suffer to this day.

I fought so hard for the safety of my kids. Years later the divorce was final and I had my babies out of harms way. I stayed single for the most part only dating here and there but I never trusted a soul. Then I finally met the next ” the one”.

That was a joke from hell. He was great for a few years. Until we were going to get married. We did which was a huge mistake. He ended up mentally abusive which I took for years because it was still better than the physical or so I thought then. He then started on my kids. Funny story was he was cheating his ass off on me. I was so dumb and blind I didn’t see it. Just had 3 more kids to a total piece of shit that awesome!!!!

Fast forward from that disastrous divorce here I am 2 more crappy relationships later. Thank God on the highest I wasn’t dumb enough to marry them.

I haven’t got rid of the second problem yet. I hate him though he makes me feel horrible. He tells me all of my downfalls and what a horrible person I am. “Bipolar Cunt Bitch Piece of Shit Lazy Piece of Shit Nothing” You would think duahhhhhhh get rid of him. Lmfao yeah right he moved in my house over a year ago without us even discussing it and he basically refuses to leave. With the kids it’s just easier to throw the covers over my head and have migraines. Fuck life. Fuck living. That’s for others to do. I’ll just stay in bed being the lazy ass bipolar piece of shit that I am. I’m stuck again. Stuck with another asshole who wants to use money as leverage and all that he does. Like I didn’t carry him forever. FUCK IT ALL!

I JUST CAN’T GET OUT

I try so hard to get out and away from these feelings. I mask them with my “crazy pills” which works intermittently. Yeah they work until something major wakes me up into my reality of hell yet again.

I have tried to move on. The past is the past and I’m good with that. But hiding has caught up with me again.

I sleep… and sleep. I slept for almost 24 hours straight yesterday. I’m back in bed now. It’s my hiding place. Away from reality and the world I throw the covers over me in my sanctuary. That is, it is until someone invades it and makes it unsafe.

My safety isn’t like others’. It’s a mental safety. It’s like diving with no oxygen and trying to reach the top. You can see the sunshine but the water is never ending. I swim and swim trying to get there…. it doesn’t happen. Exhaustion sets in and I slowly fade. The reality hits I’m never going to make it so I just watch until my eyes close and the darkness sets in.

In my world the sunshine’s on everyone… except me. I don’t deserve it… Not really. Reality is what it is and I’m becoming more accepting to that. I just can’t get out and I want to give up. For my kids I don’t. One day though the peace will be with me and then…. I will be alright.