I’ve known I haven’t felt right. I knew I was down, depressed, my anxiety was going crazy. I started staying away from crowds. I sat by myself at games even afterwards it was a simple hello to other parents if I had to. Nothing against them (and not always) it was me. I stopped answering my phone for friends, family, strangers it didn’t matter it exhausted me at the thought of even having to listen to them much less talk. I stopped going out anywhere except one small gambling joint a mile up the road that a small group of close people with my sense of humor and willingness to listen to me whenever I walk through the door.

I speak of this like it’s past tense….. it’s not!!!! It’s very much a present problem. I have realized I have hit rock bottom and I can not get up. This hasn’t been an issue for a week or 2, not even a month… try ONE YEAR!!

I can’t even open my mail. I rarely check it but when I do I throw it unopened on the table like there is a debt collector going to jump out and take the last of my money I don’t have anyway. It completely puts me into stress overload. I try to sit down and go through it since it has overtaken my table and it’s an instant panic attack. So I mentally flip it off and walk out the door like it doesn’t exist after getting my wits about myself.

I need to get a job. I have always worked. I’m a licensed respiratory therapist. I sit down to apply to an old job I have missed so much and again complete anxiety overload. What happens if I’m away and I can’t get to my kids and my kids need me and why try and the mental tornado goes again. I was the go to level headed therapist that has helped save many lives I’ve helped run codes and then some. Now I do good to get up and clean up and get my kids to school and fed and practices like I have my shit together to fool everyone.

I don’t lie if people ask. I’m too brutally honest but I’m a disaster! But this is the first time I have really realized I can’t get myself out of it. I have always been able to. Now I can’t hardly get myself off the couch and I see no end in sight. Realizing how long it has been that I have been a “nothing” in my eyes.

I’ve set goals, made lists, even incentives for finishing things…. guess what I’ve done…. Nothing- Zip- Zilch -Zero!!!!!! Some stuff is like mega important too! But I just somehow manage to pretend it doesn’t exist.

So yes today I had my meltdown my true coming to the feet of Jesus meltdown confessing my weakness and my bad and the tears just flowed and flowed.

Thus today is Step 1: I AM BROKEN! I admit it! And to my ex’s no I’m not going to loose it and go postal on my kids I would truly commit myself first. Actually I would probably do that now just to get better treatment and quicker but it’s because of you that I don’t I know how you will run wild with that. You love to talk enough and I’m sure you would try some damage somehow.

I’ve done a lot of research though. It’s ok it’s probably curtesy of the ex’s I’m where I’m at now anyway hahaha (seriously). I know without a doubt I suffer from PTSD and a multitude of other issues.

Legalize weed and get to selling already! I don’t smoke and I want it! Maybe that will help me! If nothing else. I know I can’t forever go on like this.

There is such a huge sense of hopelessness, segregation, worthlessness. Just like I truly sit and wonder why I’m even here anymore and what good it does.

Trust me to some this may sound so over dramatic. Once upon a time I would have thought the exact same. Lazy ass go to work suck it up you will get over it. I would pay anything I had to feel better (minus my kids lives).

So my game plan for step one is simple:

I’m going down to the mental health clinic and waiting until someone sees and talks to me if that’s possible. It’s a horrible snow day so praying for lots of cancellations.!

Wish me luck!!!!!!!

What’s Going On

You would think it was spring…. these guys have came out of the woodworks. Yes, I suppose you could say I’m taken but really I’m not. I can’t put myself into it and through it any more.

You only live once, total fact. I have always said I want to live as right as possible. I want to enjoy life, be happy, and not fight. I also don’t want to be under someone’s thumb either. What good is that? These guys who think they should rule over you tell you what to do, how to do it and when you should…. well their idiots. Yep, I’m the idiot who has managed to find every one of them.

I really thought this one was it. However, it started and never stopped.