My first term in nursing school is complete. My chance to fulfill my dream of becoming an RN is fast an furious in front of me. However, it doesn’t come without a price. I have sacrificed so many hours of sleep and tears have flown like a rushing river. Most all of my days consist of sitting on a couch with books or a computer in my hand or in a classroom. I have began my nurse externship but I describe it as if I’m playing double dutch and I can’t get my timing quite down yet to jump in.
My relationship has grown so much stronger with my husband and yet we are on the brink of disaster. I have learned to relinquish many functions around the house. My sweetness has taken one for the team and tends to the majority of the cooking, cleaning, homework, laundry and dishes. I have this amazing love and respect for him for doing this for me and for us. I have learned to trust and lean on him so much. It’s not what he does it’s how he does it without complaining or blaming me and nursing school. He’s always there to lift me up and cheer me on even as I am my worst critic.
So what’s so bad right? It’s so difficult not to be selfish. I have had to learn to make time even when I am anxiety ridden. To praise him more and notice things are important-to him and keep him motivated as well. It’s the things I have overlooked by studying so hard like the finances and communication that are putting us at a crossroads. He can’t seem to budget or plan bills at all. He’s going through the money like crazy which has always been a problem except for the month I tried to educate him on finances and hovered over him. I don’t have time for that now. I asked to take the checkbook over basically and that suggestion came with a big “hell no” never. I have serious issues asking him for money. I have been in so many relationships where money was used as control and leverage. I can’t get past that at all. Not to mention it infuriates me when it’s 4 days after payday and there’s very little to nothing left somehow. It’s hard for your gut to not say there’s something wrong he makes decent money…. so where is it? Why are the bills behind and we are getting termination notices?
We have to move in November and don’t have a penny to do that with at this point. I’m a wreck. The arguments are a train wreck that goes absolutely no where. Tonight I made the hard and honest statement that if he doesn’t have money saved to help move in November I am moving alone. There are many more small issues but I just can’t anymore. I’ve been in this place one to many times.
I’m petrified where that may land me sooner than November. However, I have to keep my head down and push on and they this program I have to get myself back to a position I don’t struggle and I’m not dependent on a man. What if something were to happen to me or us?
So yes dreams do come true you can push yourself through an accelerated RN program and have many kids. You can make a 4.0 first semester and continue to bust your butt and still feel like you’re losing everything. Nothing comes without a price but with God at the wheel it will all turn out the way it’s supposed to.