I LEFT… SO WHY DONT I FEEL RIGHT?

It was getting more intense. The words, the actions, even the lack there of. Then it happened a possible exposure and quarantine. He couldn’t be around. I tried to be kind and buy a COVID treat bag to keep him sane on the 3rd floor. Of course, I got a that was sweet but you probably didn’t mean it to be. Every gesture made it didn’t matter. It never did.

I have learned that I am bitter and angry at so much. I have also learned I don’t know how to turn that bitterness and anger off. There are some days I don’t even care. About anything besides my kids and school. Those feelings began to overtake me and that was all I felt.

The angry texts just kept coming from him like I had done this to him. His words they cut me like a sick sadistic freak over and over just enjoying every nasty mean thing. I finally said I was done. Because I was done. I was so sick and tired of the bullshit. I was dead inside.

I had a bag packed for months ready to go if it hit me. I was also able to grab important books my computer printer and whatever baskets of whatever looked like mine or Brynns. I threw them in the car. I also had the kids pack what they could pack. We had a trip planned out of town anyway for the day so it wasn’t suspicious us leaving.

I didn’t return. I have been in hiding. When I don’t have the kids i sleep in the vehicle. The rest of my days are spent in a hotel room. I want to drive by I want to see what is going on. I want to get my clothes and my kids things and my dishes and everything I came with. But I have to be patient.

I really want my marriage. But why? It was the best of the 3 but he has some serious mental issues. So maybe this will be the rest of my life just hiding. I don’t call anyone, I don’t message unless they message me. Why would I want a marriage where he won’t come out and take responsibility for this getting so bad. Why do I want a marriage where he won’t do marriage counseling? What do I want a marriage that is literally bc he wants to use me for what I can provide? Family,money, mom to his child, relief, stability a car.

Yeah he wants me now for a car. He didn’t fix his and so we’re we’re down to one car. That’s probably what did it for me what truly broke the camels back. It woke me to what I was worth to him.

It still does. He wants the car I want a real marriage. Something I will never get.