So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc if I look good, accomplished something great, did something sweet did that somehow make me a better person than I was yesterday?
An apology from my mother for not talking to or listening to me when I needed her most over my lifetime to date is not warranted. Why now? It won’t take back anything. The damage from it is completed. I had to handle all of my issues on my own. My friends became my family, my go to when I needed to let my feelings fly. So if an apology won’t help now why do I still hold onto those feelings or do I?
I definitely have resentment. The families pride in me for becoming an RN is overwhelming. Funny how people love you at your best but look down upon you at your worst. Not that I was bad. I made poor decisions that landed me in horrible relationships or rough times. Did they think I actually enjoyed living off the government? That that’s all I wanted for my life. For real? My disdain for the situation is just that. Glad they are proud but they can shove it at the same time.
I don’t need people who just want me at my best. I need people who not only love me but are there for me even at my worst. I guess that’s where my marriage hurts me most as well. He loves me for my best but not my worst. I’m exhausted trying to be my best for everyone. Just freaking love me for me or F off. If me being at my best is the only time your happy and happy with me do you truly love me?
This is also why I don’t have a favorite child. This is also why I love them all for both good and not so good qualities they have. Yes I push them to be better but I love them thru the worst. I am always right there to talk and hand out advice or just sit and listen. Something that I have never had. One day I hope they realize that all I have ever wanted was for them to be happy and to have what I didn’t. To be better than the person that I am and have been.
I will never be perfect. Don’t know that I ever aspire to that. I just want to be good. I don’t need to stand out in a crowd or win awards. By gosh I graduated nursing school with a 3.95 having went through an appendectomy, sepsis landing me in the hospital for 7 days, my daughter being raped, dealing with an unsteady marriage, the Feds, and a pandemic. I don’t need praise and admiration I need to be me at this point.
I feel so all alone. Anxiety ridden and exhausted should be my first, middle and last name. But there’s always tomorrow. I find comfort in the future. Or rather, my dreams of what I would like my future to be. Idk if I will ever find peace. I just hope I can help my children find theirs.