I Broke…

It took one t’last thing to tip the scales…. I broke… I took my meds and tried to sleep thru it. Only worked for so long. I had to get out of the house.

I went out to grab a drink. Had 2 then I remember nothing at all. The meds I had taken were out of my system by then. I was so scared the next day.

It can happen to anyone. I got up to run outside for one minute. That’s all it took. It scares me to go out at all at this point.

It was my day to start healing. Time to become who I want to be. God protected me. I owe everything to him. I lost sight of my purpose. I became selfish and tried to take the wheel. It never works. You would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago.

BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

THE ANXIETY WON’T STOP

I’m trying so hard to stop. My mind goes to places it shouldn’t. I am in a near constant state of panic. My PTSD is triggered so easily. I have no trust in people anymore except a select few friends.

Growing up I was always the “black sheep”. I wasn’t the perfect oldest and I wasn’t the baby who demanded attention. I did my thing typically flying under the radar. I was by far the smartest but always the one they expected to fall on their face. When I graduated and went off to college my oldest sister was finishing her masters degree and my baby sister was a senior in high school so of course choice of college wasn’t an option and I was just kind of sent off to fend for myself at a college I despised. I started working because I had no money to eat on. After my first semester, I quit to work full time. Shortly there after I got married then pregnant. To a man that was severely abusive. Baby number 2 then finally a divorce. Then came the second marriage number two a few years later and following baby number 3. Then came 4&5. Then surprise he was cheating too. He was mentally abusive and quite frankly horrible in bed unless you liked the same old 3-5 min round. lol

I divorced him finally too after many separations. Then came the turmoil and an out of the nowhere boyfriend I didn’t even like who raped and molested me. The children were gone those weekends he was in thank goodness and it was only directed at me but it wouldn’t stop. I tried kicking him out he would just come back when the kids were there bc he knew I wouldn’t raise hell in front of them for anything in the world. I nearly drank myself to death on the weekends they weren’t there. Then the next loser so the freak would leave then I despised his lying ass but he moved on out of nowhere while I was at work and again in front of the kids he knew I wouldn’t say a word.

How in the sam hell did I get myself into all those situations???? I finally chose online dating and found one I wanted to meet and married him rather quick. I can’t shut off my past. I can’t stop my gut from telling my brain be aware. I trigger so easily. I cry and I worry and my anxiety is out of this world. I take meds but they only help partially. The world doesn’t stop and my chest hurts and my heart breaks constantly. I miss my kids and I worry so very much.

My therapist is working with me intensely but I can’t grasp and do everything I need to. She says baby steps are necessary and not to get discouraged but it freaking sucks. So much is coming up in my life and the nightmares don’t stop.

The panic sets in without anything or anyone around me. It can happen the min I wake up or even just watching TV or playing a game on my phone. There is zero rhyme or reason most of the time. I have a hair trigger for an anger outburst and then I’m done for the entire day. I thank all of those who have hurt me men, past friends, family you made me stronger than you ever imagined; however, you also ruined my life. I let it all build up to this point.

Impact statements

I have my new BSN-MSN classes starting tomorrow. I’m scared and traumatized from nursing school. I’m worried I jumped in too soon. I bought a car this eve without even actually seeing it hahaha bought smart though. Not sure my husband will agree he was asleep lol.

With school, a new job, and my kids on my mind I still have the weight of the world on me with these impact statements to the courts. For starters federal court is intimidating. Second facing these nasty horrible individuals who took my daughters youth and innocence away how do you even approach that?

How do you tell them they shattered our whole families world. The time we had to spend and still spend in therapy. The anxiety that we all have. The fear I face daily about her security and well being.

Her birthday is coming up… It should be a time of celebration and gifts. But for her it is a painful reminder of the night she was raped. Every birthday will be a reminder for the rest of her life. What can you do about that?

How do you covey the pain they caused and damage that will always be there? How do you not break down into tears of anger and pain? How do I not have the most horrible anxiety attack when looking each of them in the eyes? It had to be done. I have to go and stand up for my child and my family who was all affected. Will it ever end? The impact will last a lifetime.