Another Wish of Death

I stood before a federal court and spoke my daughters words. Multiple times I wanted to break down but I kept myself together to stay strong for her. I knew in that moment I had to be her voice and show the courts her pain and suffering.

I came home broken and in pain. The conviction went better than imagined. He got the max. The family of friends of the rapist they yelled at me. I was actually scared for my life until I got out of that town. I knew that I would not automatically be healed but I could finally have peace and let the process begin.

Mentally I was exhausted. Then I woke to my husband being…. well his normal “lately” self. I don’t even know this man anymore. So selfish. So arrogant. So everything I could never have pictured myself with.

I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel like I am not enough. No matter what I do no matter than he has lived absolutely free for 2 months. It’s not enough. My bitterness is my problem and he’s right it is my problem.

The fact that I hate myself is my problem. The fact that I prayed to God above to take my life just now is my problem. The insane desire to make myself hurt is my problem. I know better and I can refrain from stupid things. However, the feeling are still there. The thoughts are loud and clear. I have another death wish.

I worked over 50 hours in 5 days and then court. I found out that due to the nursing shortage I have been approved to come off of orientation a month and a half early. They have confidence and faith in me. I’m scared to death of killing someone.

My husband bought a midlife crisis sports car without talking to me. He blames me for our marriage. He’s probably right. I just shouldn’t be married. Idk why I thought I was marriage material or capable of picking out what I needed. Or better yet I could be anywhere near 1% of what a man needs. I will never be enough. For that I am sorry.

You will probably only read this blog in the event of my death. (which I fully intend to be a long time from now despite my inner demons). I know I wasn’t what you wanted or expected. You needed more and it has always shown. I always loved you thru the worst. I needed what I couldn’t obviously convey.

To my children, I plan to write a blog post to each of you maybe multiple as time goes on. But for now know that you are the reason I am alive today. Needing to be there for you has given me the strength to fight and keep going forward. Your smiles, your hugs and kisses, your desire to still call on me and talk to me when you need me. All of those things keep me going. I love you all more than you may ever realize in life.

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