Saying Goodbye

Everyone has that moment from the time they are born. Their day is written in the book of life. Nothing can change that no matter the circumstances. Some question why. Others are full of resentment and grief.

When is my day? I frequently ask myself that question. There are days the struggles within myself to believe any self worth is even possible.

If I were to say goodbye tonight would you be alright. Would it shed some pain and conflict for you? Would the grief wear off and normal life set in? Would you find yourself happier without my lectures and holding you accountable? Would it be better to not have my nagging voice?

Saying goodbye is difficult but to know you will be in a better place and have a life full of happiness. Moments I would slip into your mind letting you know I am there to watch over you from afar.

That’s how a suicidal mind works. That those they leave behind are in a better place because of their nonexistence. Beaten down and battered mentally exhausted with nothing at all to offer. The world is better because they can now function without the mean and brutal person that one haunted them daily.

They will never be an embarrassment or problem again. They won’t burden your life with needs and wants or discipline. They were never good enough anyway and won’t truly ever succeed or make you happy.

They are at peace knowing they made the world a better place by leaving. The thoughts don’t connect for someone who doesn’t understand the disease and those who try to mearly look at it as a cop out.

To those who do it is felt as sacrifice at making the world a happier place without them. Did you ask me if I was ok? Did you just sit in silence with me knowing my pain? I’m so sorry I came into your life and made it so miserable. I couldn’t make it right.

Maybe i will come back to this world a better person. A kinder more gentle person. Full of love and understanding. Without pain to inflict on the world.

No more emptiness. No more suffering. Most of all you can find your happiness just saying goodbye.

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.

Drinking From the Bottle

It’s been a week… Keeping up with exams, papers, discussions, assignments has felt nearly impossible. Stress exposing like a bomb. No kids home tonight so I bought some wine…. I’m drinking straight from the bottle.

Drinking without class. Drinking to drown everything out. Music up. Dark room. Nothing seems to be hitting the spot. Maybe I will find it in the bottom.

Missing a life, the love, peace from the anxiety. Happy and yet sad. So tonight I sit and drink from the bottle….

6 More 6 Weeks…. +3

39 weeks!!!! Less than 10 months left of nursing school! This semester has been rough transitioning to all online lectures and clinical. COVID19 has been no joke in every aspect of human life. My husband and I have done better with communication and adapting to one another’s needs. It’s 2 steps forward a step back at time. I would call that tremendous progress in a relationship!

Stress still overwhelms me most of every day. I don’t expect that to change much for 39 weeks. It’s the nature of the beast. I realize why there’s a nursing shortage and why RNs are in huge demand. People don’t want to kill themselves. Mentally and physically I’m drained.

I could keep up with the laundry and dishes and cook. I could probably squeeze in some cleaning here and there. I’m thankful and blessed that I don’t have to. That was the agreement we made… I kick butt and learn everything I possibly can and he picks up the slack everywhere else. I do manage a little contribution here and there but it’s not much. I look at what I’m doing as a huge deed for the family and there are sacrifices that physically that have to be made.

I have had to learn that there are other ways to fold clothes and that I need to just be happy it was done. I have to realize that although there is a floor that needs swept no one is dying and it won’t hurt for them to stay that way another week or 6. I have had to let go of a lot of control. Not easy for a control freak.

So the kids seem more relaxed and happy with the time off daily. I will have all my kids with me this weekend and an extra. So a prayer may be needed as 7 kids pile in on us.

So 6 more 6 +3 will be here and gone before I know it. This journey has been hell and worth every second so far. I am blessed beyond measure.

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