BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

WINNING… NOW PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

I scheduled my NCLEX May 3rd. I couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety anymore and pushed the board exam up to last Friday. Was I ready? I felt I was ready any now as I would have been in another … Continue reading

A Hit & A Miss

So today was full of studying for board exams. That was until I got the call. I have went crazy and decided to go on and do a bridge BSN-MSN program. I had intended to start in the fall but it plays out I will start the day I take my board exams.

I stop and ask myself what the heck am I thinking? Then I tell myself I want more! If I can get thru that ADN program I can without a doubt get thru to my Masters.

I am excited and scared. I didn’t even begin to consult my husband. At the end of the day this is about me. What I want! Selfish and blunt as it gets.

After that call I talked to my son who was taking the TEAS today (which is the exam you have to pass to be accepted into any nursing school). He was a wreck. I have tried every avenue to help him. He buckled down harder than I have ever seen. He failed the science part yet I am still proud of him.

However, I know what a blow it was to him and I worry about his mental health and if he will stand up, dust off and give it another try. I pray he does and commits to studying harder. The environment his in and the people he surrounds himself with aren’t amazing though. He’s 21 but has a ways to go in growing up as all guys do. I’m still so proud of him for attempting this feat.

My youngest did her homework today! Again another huge accomplishment. She has really struggled this last 9 weeks. So we took a trip to target. I got my grandfather’s car so I would have my own ride for a while. Well on the way it broke down in the middle of the road. I managed to finally get it started and moving enough to limp it to the gas station. But who knows what’s wrong with it.

I feel so trapped without my own vehicle at this point. I’m so sad my husband won’t go get a car somewhere. But why should he? He uses the other all the time. He has basically taken it over I am not even allowed to go to the gas station without an explanation and time when I will be back. No trips to see anyone no get away. Just stuck. I’m very mad and very sad. But I say nothing because it would just become a fight. So I’m silent.

So today was huge! A total hit and a miss.

Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

One and done…..

I have one week left and I’m officially an RN grad!!!! 18 months…. It’s been the nightmare I had always heard. It’s also been the quickest longest year and a half of my life. I studied my ass off. I … Continue reading

Saying Goodbye

Everyone has that moment from the time they are born. Their day is written in the book of life. Nothing can change that no matter the circumstances. Some question why. Others are full of resentment and grief.

When is my day? I frequently ask myself that question. There are days the struggles within myself to believe any self worth is even possible.

If I were to say goodbye tonight would you be alright. Would it shed some pain and conflict for you? Would the grief wear off and normal life set in? Would you find yourself happier without my lectures and holding you accountable? Would it be better to not have my nagging voice?

Saying goodbye is difficult but to know you will be in a better place and have a life full of happiness. Moments I would slip into your mind letting you know I am there to watch over you from afar.

That’s how a suicidal mind works. That those they leave behind are in a better place because of their nonexistence. Beaten down and battered mentally exhausted with nothing at all to offer. The world is better because they can now function without the mean and brutal person that one haunted them daily.

They will never be an embarrassment or problem again. They won’t burden your life with needs and wants or discipline. They were never good enough anyway and won’t truly ever succeed or make you happy.

They are at peace knowing they made the world a better place by leaving. The thoughts don’t connect for someone who doesn’t understand the disease and those who try to mearly look at it as a cop out.

To those who do it is felt as sacrifice at making the world a happier place without them. Did you ask me if I was ok? Did you just sit in silence with me knowing my pain? I’m so sorry I came into your life and made it so miserable. I couldn’t make it right.

Maybe i will come back to this world a better person. A kinder more gentle person. Full of love and understanding. Without pain to inflict on the world.

No more emptiness. No more suffering. Most of all you can find your happiness just saying goodbye.

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.

If It Is My Time

I shall go when the Lord wants me close. When the body is weak and the soul is fading he will make me strong. I will continue to fight thru all that is thrown at me until HE says stop.

If it’s my time, just know when I left I left in peace. I left knowing I was true and honest even if it stung. I didn’t mind to be talked about and have stones thrown at me. I know what most everyone thought of me. I know the names and I know you who looked down on me. It’s ok if it wasn’t good I accept that. It’s ok if you chose to try to hurt me instead of lift me up because my GOD picked me up and helped me to stand and gave me the strength to walk at my weakest.

My children were my world. Those of you who knew it loved me or hated me for it. I understood them so well even when they wished I didn’t. My best times were teaching then how to embarrass themselves and have a good laugh. I hope that I instilled that thru the worst it still has its positives. That there is no exception to equality amongst humanity. You are never to old to learn anything you desire. With hard work and dedication you can achieve your goals. The cashier at McDonalds deserves as much respect as a doctor. Most of all, my love is completely unconditional just as Jesus’ love.

My road has not been an easy one but I pushed on. I made it to the finish line. Know I will always be with you and that if you ever need to talk find that quiet window I will be there to listen. If you listen quietly with your heart you will always hear me.

If it is my time know I loved you so hard but just know that everyone has a time and it wasn’t out of evil it was out of love. My Jesus loves me enough to accept me despite my faults and I am rehiring the freedom of pain. Wipe your tears and know I will always be here…. in the quiet window if it’s my time.

SO?…YOU HAD A BAD DAY?

Therapy bright and early this morning. I felt like things were getting somewhat better…. I have so much guilt over putting nursing school ahead of everything. I actually feel completely selfish and as if I should quit at this point and just focus on my kids.

They are lacking in something that they need from me…. Or so I feel. I realize that long term I am doing this for them. For their future, to provide more, to give us all a better life and to leave something for them when I am dead an gone is the motivation.

I know they need this as much as I need this. I was told by my therapist that it’s completely not selfish at all. I wish I could concur.

I ache so badly to feel normal right now to have back my crappy life in a crappy town with my kids and a home that was mine. I know life sucked and I was going nowhere but it was mine.

After therapy it was one overwhelming thing after another. It was exhausting. I have clinicals this weekend, a final exam on Monday and a huge proctored exam on Thursday. Saturday and Sunday are again clinicals and then Monday I start into 4 days a week classes and clinicals on the weekends. Did I mention we start moving this weekend…….

OVERWHELMED!!!! I was told so what you had a bad day…… Doesn’t mean you get to take a day and shut down. Wish it worked like that.

SnapChat is for child sex predators

The plot thickens…. There’s another predator that lured my child in. This one got to her. Long before I caught the first one apparently. It was her 13th birthday. My world came crashing down around me when I heard the … Continue reading