Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

One and done…..

I have one week left and I’m officially an RN grad!!!! 18 months…. It’s been the nightmare I had always heard. It’s also been the quickest longest year and a half of my life. I studied my ass off. I … Continue reading

I LEFT… SO WHY DONT I FEEL RIGHT?

It was getting more intense. The words, the actions, even the lack there of. Then it happened a possible exposure and quarantine. He couldn’t be around. I tried to be kind and buy a COVID treat bag to keep him sane on the 3rd floor. Of course, I got a that was sweet but you probably didn’t mean it to be. Every gesture made it didn’t matter. It never did.

I have learned that I am bitter and angry at so much. I have also learned I don’t know how to turn that bitterness and anger off. There are some days I don’t even care. About anything besides my kids and school. Those feelings began to overtake me and that was all I felt.

The angry texts just kept coming from him like I had done this to him. His words they cut me like a sick sadistic freak over and over just enjoying every nasty mean thing. I finally said I was done. Because I was done. I was so sick and tired of the bullshit. I was dead inside.

I had a bag packed for months ready to go if it hit me. I was also able to grab important books my computer printer and whatever baskets of whatever looked like mine or Brynns. I threw them in the car. I also had the kids pack what they could pack. We had a trip planned out of town anyway for the day so it wasn’t suspicious us leaving.

I didn’t return. I have been in hiding. When I don’t have the kids i sleep in the vehicle. The rest of my days are spent in a hotel room. I want to drive by I want to see what is going on. I want to get my clothes and my kids things and my dishes and everything I came with. But I have to be patient.

I really want my marriage. But why? It was the best of the 3 but he has some serious mental issues. So maybe this will be the rest of my life just hiding. I don’t call anyone, I don’t message unless they message me. Why would I want a marriage where he won’t come out and take responsibility for this getting so bad. Why do I want a marriage where he won’t do marriage counseling? What do I want a marriage that is literally bc he wants to use me for what I can provide? Family,money, mom to his child, relief, stability a car.

Yeah he wants me now for a car. He didn’t fix his and so we’re we’re down to one car. That’s probably what did it for me what truly broke the camels back. It woke me to what I was worth to him.

It still does. He wants the car I want a real marriage. Something I will never get.

Saying Goodbye

Everyone has that moment from the time they are born. Their day is written in the book of life. Nothing can change that no matter the circumstances. Some question why. Others are full of resentment and grief.

When is my day? I frequently ask myself that question. There are days the struggles within myself to believe any self worth is even possible.

If I were to say goodbye tonight would you be alright. Would it shed some pain and conflict for you? Would the grief wear off and normal life set in? Would you find yourself happier without my lectures and holding you accountable? Would it be better to not have my nagging voice?

Saying goodbye is difficult but to know you will be in a better place and have a life full of happiness. Moments I would slip into your mind letting you know I am there to watch over you from afar.

That’s how a suicidal mind works. That those they leave behind are in a better place because of their nonexistence. Beaten down and battered mentally exhausted with nothing at all to offer. The world is better because they can now function without the mean and brutal person that one haunted them daily.

They will never be an embarrassment or problem again. They won’t burden your life with needs and wants or discipline. They were never good enough anyway and won’t truly ever succeed or make you happy.

They are at peace knowing they made the world a better place by leaving. The thoughts don’t connect for someone who doesn’t understand the disease and those who try to mearly look at it as a cop out.

To those who do it is felt as sacrifice at making the world a happier place without them. Did you ask me if I was ok? Did you just sit in silence with me knowing my pain? I’m so sorry I came into your life and made it so miserable. I couldn’t make it right.

Maybe i will come back to this world a better person. A kinder more gentle person. Full of love and understanding. Without pain to inflict on the world.

No more emptiness. No more suffering. Most of all you can find your happiness just saying goodbye.

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.

If It Is My Time

I shall go when the Lord wants me close. When the body is weak and the soul is fading he will make me strong. I will continue to fight thru all that is thrown at me until HE says stop.

If it’s my time, just know when I left I left in peace. I left knowing I was true and honest even if it stung. I didn’t mind to be talked about and have stones thrown at me. I know what most everyone thought of me. I know the names and I know you who looked down on me. It’s ok if it wasn’t good I accept that. It’s ok if you chose to try to hurt me instead of lift me up because my GOD picked me up and helped me to stand and gave me the strength to walk at my weakest.

My children were my world. Those of you who knew it loved me or hated me for it. I understood them so well even when they wished I didn’t. My best times were teaching then how to embarrass themselves and have a good laugh. I hope that I instilled that thru the worst it still has its positives. That there is no exception to equality amongst humanity. You are never to old to learn anything you desire. With hard work and dedication you can achieve your goals. The cashier at McDonalds deserves as much respect as a doctor. Most of all, my love is completely unconditional just as Jesus’ love.

My road has not been an easy one but I pushed on. I made it to the finish line. Know I will always be with you and that if you ever need to talk find that quiet window I will be there to listen. If you listen quietly with your heart you will always hear me.

If it is my time know I loved you so hard but just know that everyone has a time and it wasn’t out of evil it was out of love. My Jesus loves me enough to accept me despite my faults and I am rehiring the freedom of pain. Wipe your tears and know I will always be here…. in the quiet window if it’s my time.

SO?…YOU HAD A BAD DAY?

Therapy bright and early this morning. I felt like things were getting somewhat better…. I have so much guilt over putting nursing school ahead of everything. I actually feel completely selfish and as if I should quit at this point and just focus on my kids.

They are lacking in something that they need from me…. Or so I feel. I realize that long term I am doing this for them. For their future, to provide more, to give us all a better life and to leave something for them when I am dead an gone is the motivation.

I know they need this as much as I need this. I was told by my therapist that it’s completely not selfish at all. I wish I could concur.

I ache so badly to feel normal right now to have back my crappy life in a crappy town with my kids and a home that was mine. I know life sucked and I was going nowhere but it was mine.

After therapy it was one overwhelming thing after another. It was exhausting. I have clinicals this weekend, a final exam on Monday and a huge proctored exam on Thursday. Saturday and Sunday are again clinicals and then Monday I start into 4 days a week classes and clinicals on the weekends. Did I mention we start moving this weekend…….

OVERWHELMED!!!! I was told so what you had a bad day…… Doesn’t mean you get to take a day and shut down. Wish it worked like that.

SnapChat is for child sex predators

The plot thickens…. There’s another predator that lured my child in. This one got to her. Long before I caught the first one apparently. It was her 13th birthday. My world came crashing down around me when I heard the … Continue reading

HOW TO CATCH A CHILD SEX PREDATOR ….

So I had my break… The fourth day in I went through my phone my 13 year old daughter has been borrowing. Something was off with her demeanor. Thus, I started the great search through my phone. AND THERE IT WAS…..

A boy claiming to be 17 being absolutely disgusting and nasty talking to my newly 13 year old daughter. He knew she was 13 and only going into 8th grade. I didn’t know this individual but I have some pretty good detective skills.

I started on the hunt. He had provided a name and a hometown. That was if he was being honest. There was no one by the name anywhere on facebook or google. I just needed his parents first I wasn’t going to ruin a 17 year old unless it continued. I then searched last name only with the home town. There were the names I needed to start searching with.

Back and fourth I went from google to Instagram to facebook. I learned this individual was NOT 17! This man was 20 years old. It is amazing what you can find on the internet!!!!

I jumped out of bed and called the local authorities. The next day was contacted by local detectives. Another mother’ Child was also involved in this and we decided to go to the state police task force which then went to the FBI.

So the FBI contacted me and showed up at my house 30 minutes later. The individual was busted by that weekend he had driven almost 5 hours bright an early in the morning believing he was going to have sex with my 13 year old daughter and her friend.

He stayed in jail for about one month but was bonded out 2 days ago. The FBI and state are still conducting investigations. It’s just a sick thought he is back out to talk to other girls like that and what he could do to them…….

AND THAT WAS MY VACATION!!

A Real Break

A year ago I decided to go back to school. I studied my tush off for 2 weeks took the TEAS and started applying everywhere in our area. I got a rejection letter from the program I wanted in to…. I was devastated but pushed on. Until I got the call. The Friday before the “dream” program was to start I got THE call. I was in if I wanted it! It was an intense program but I was over the moon and scared to death!

10 months later… I have studied day and night nearly every single day. I have dedicated every minute possible to this program. Breaks were not breaks because there was always the next term to study for. You have to get ahead so you aren’t behind from day one.

Today is the official start to a 3 week break. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never had 3 weeks. I know week 3 will be starting back to get ahead. I have some reading now but it’s finally not a rush!!!! I am lost and excited!! I feel like I should be doing a paper, a discussion, studying for the next test.

I thought I was alone in feeling like this but it’s the whole group!!! We all have PTSD and hope to overcome it to get some stuff done around the house and enjoy life the way it was before nursing school. I’m so excited! How do I get there…… How do I enjoy a real break?