Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

Another Wish of Death

I stood before a federal court and spoke my daughters words. Multiple times I wanted to break down but I kept myself together to stay strong for her. I knew in that moment I had to be her voice and … Continue reading

A letter to her rapist

My daughter began to change. At first it was wanting privacy I believed it to be normal teenage angst. Then the attitudes set in which seemed off putting but it increasingly got worse along with the anger. I randomly went through her phone but could not find anything out of place. I dug thru her social media, texts and calls and always came up empty handed. Until the day I had her phone and she received a message on snapchat which asked if she would be at her dads soon so they could hook up. I knew something was severely wrong at this point. After many meetings with local and state police, the FBI as well as US Marshalls the pieces started to fall together. The rape and molestation of my daughter was uncovered.

This man deceived my child. He made up a name and said he was a teenager. My daughter was 12 years old at the time they started to talk. He was very aware of her age. He told her he loved her more than anyone. He lied to and manipulated her.

On her 13th birthday, he drove to her fathers house and again via snapchat let her know he was there to give her a birthday present of $50. Instead of the $50 he told her she was a big girl now while he began to take off her clothes and despite her telling him no he proceeded to molest and rape my child.

You were bigger and stronger than my little girl. She was so scared she told you no but knew you would overpower her and maybe even hurt or kill her at that point. You not only took her virginity but you took her sense of security. She was too young and naive to realize there was an evil human waiting to exploit her for their own sick sexual gratification.

She ended up having severe anxiety and depression. I had to hide all of the knives and medications in the home. I sat up day and night listening and watching her making sure she was ok for months on end. To this day I dont rest well for worry about her safety and security. My daughter will have to continue to have testing for sexually transmitted diseases for years to come because of you.

She again just had her birthday. She had finally turned a corner thanks to intensive therapy. That was until her birth month came. That’s when the anxiety and depression hit again. It was a reminder of what you had done to her and everything that she lost. It was a reminder for our whole family.

She didn’t just relive it that day. She has nightmares often. I have seen the fear in her eyes when she sees vehicles that look like the ones you drove to rape her or when she sees someone that looks or sounds like you. She knows you are incarcerated but she has to remind herself that during those times. Even then it takes a while for her to calm down.

You didn’t just take her virginity you took a part of her life forever. You took my happy, loving, sweet and innocent girl and destroyed her temporarily.

I say temporarily because she is the strongest, bravest and most resilient girl I know. In a years time she has picked herself up and finally started to begin live again. She finally goes out of the house without that look of anxiety and fear.

She has lost so much by your hands. I nearly had to quit nursing school. I also too went thru a horrible period of depression and anxiety along with major panic attacks because I was unable to find your trail and stop you from destroying my daughter and my family’s lives. My youngest daughter had to also go into therapy and now also has panic attacks often.

The world is not safe with you in it. You have done this to girls and women of all ages. You had a wife and a family. You have destroyed every single one of those people. You knew to use Snapchat you knew it wouldn’t be traced as long as your victims didn’t save anything. Without that there was no proof you even existed. You methodically chose the weakest of the weak. You exploited those weaknesses to make you look better, richer, more loving and more caring. You understood every move you made. You have no sympathy not even for your own child who one day will be faced with the challenges of dodging perverse adult men and women just like yourself.

I ask the courts for the safety of other females of all ages to give this man the maximum sentence allowed by law. Help to save children that would be in harms way if this man were out on the streets. There is no age at which individuals such as him are safely integrated into society.

I Broke…

It took one t’last thing to tip the scales…. I broke… I took my meds and tried to sleep thru it. Only worked for so long. I had to get out of the house.

I went out to grab a drink. Had 2 then I remember nothing at all. The meds I had taken were out of my system by then. I was so scared the next day.

It can happen to anyone. I got up to run outside for one minute. That’s all it took. It scares me to go out at all at this point.

It was my day to start healing. Time to become who I want to be. God protected me. I owe everything to him. I lost sight of my purpose. I became selfish and tried to take the wheel. It never works. You would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago.

BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

THE ANXIETY WON’T STOP

I’m trying so hard to stop. My mind goes to places it shouldn’t. I am in a near constant state of panic. My PTSD is triggered so easily. I have no trust in people anymore except a select few friends.

Growing up I was always the “black sheep”. I wasn’t the perfect oldest and I wasn’t the baby who demanded attention. I did my thing typically flying under the radar. I was by far the smartest but always the one they expected to fall on their face. When I graduated and went off to college my oldest sister was finishing her masters degree and my baby sister was a senior in high school so of course choice of college wasn’t an option and I was just kind of sent off to fend for myself at a college I despised. I started working because I had no money to eat on. After my first semester, I quit to work full time. Shortly there after I got married then pregnant. To a man that was severely abusive. Baby number 2 then finally a divorce. Then came the second marriage number two a few years later and following baby number 3. Then came 4&5. Then surprise he was cheating too. He was mentally abusive and quite frankly horrible in bed unless you liked the same old 3-5 min round. lol

I divorced him finally too after many separations. Then came the turmoil and an out of the nowhere boyfriend I didn’t even like who raped and molested me. The children were gone those weekends he was in thank goodness and it was only directed at me but it wouldn’t stop. I tried kicking him out he would just come back when the kids were there bc he knew I wouldn’t raise hell in front of them for anything in the world. I nearly drank myself to death on the weekends they weren’t there. Then the next loser so the freak would leave then I despised his lying ass but he moved on out of nowhere while I was at work and again in front of the kids he knew I wouldn’t say a word.

How in the sam hell did I get myself into all those situations???? I finally chose online dating and found one I wanted to meet and married him rather quick. I can’t shut off my past. I can’t stop my gut from telling my brain be aware. I trigger so easily. I cry and I worry and my anxiety is out of this world. I take meds but they only help partially. The world doesn’t stop and my chest hurts and my heart breaks constantly. I miss my kids and I worry so very much.

My therapist is working with me intensely but I can’t grasp and do everything I need to. She says baby steps are necessary and not to get discouraged but it freaking sucks. So much is coming up in my life and the nightmares don’t stop.

The panic sets in without anything or anyone around me. It can happen the min I wake up or even just watching TV or playing a game on my phone. There is zero rhyme or reason most of the time. I have a hair trigger for an anger outburst and then I’m done for the entire day. I thank all of those who have hurt me men, past friends, family you made me stronger than you ever imagined; however, you also ruined my life. I let it all build up to this point.

Impact statements

I have my new BSN-MSN classes starting tomorrow. I’m scared and traumatized from nursing school. I’m worried I jumped in too soon. I bought a car this eve without even actually seeing it hahaha bought smart though. Not sure my husband will agree he was asleep lol.

With school, a new job, and my kids on my mind I still have the weight of the world on me with these impact statements to the courts. For starters federal court is intimidating. Second facing these nasty horrible individuals who took my daughters youth and innocence away how do you even approach that?

How do you tell them they shattered our whole families world. The time we had to spend and still spend in therapy. The anxiety that we all have. The fear I face daily about her security and well being.

Her birthday is coming up… It should be a time of celebration and gifts. But for her it is a painful reminder of the night she was raped. Every birthday will be a reminder for the rest of her life. What can you do about that?

How do you covey the pain they caused and damage that will always be there? How do you not break down into tears of anger and pain? How do I not have the most horrible anxiety attack when looking each of them in the eyes? It had to be done. I have to go and stand up for my child and my family who was all affected. Will it ever end? The impact will last a lifetime.

Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

Saying Goodbye

Everyone has that moment from the time they are born. Their day is written in the book of life. Nothing can change that no matter the circumstances. Some question why. Others are full of resentment and grief.

When is my day? I frequently ask myself that question. There are days the struggles within myself to believe any self worth is even possible.

If I were to say goodbye tonight would you be alright. Would it shed some pain and conflict for you? Would the grief wear off and normal life set in? Would you find yourself happier without my lectures and holding you accountable? Would it be better to not have my nagging voice?

Saying goodbye is difficult but to know you will be in a better place and have a life full of happiness. Moments I would slip into your mind letting you know I am there to watch over you from afar.

That’s how a suicidal mind works. That those they leave behind are in a better place because of their nonexistence. Beaten down and battered mentally exhausted with nothing at all to offer. The world is better because they can now function without the mean and brutal person that one haunted them daily.

They will never be an embarrassment or problem again. They won’t burden your life with needs and wants or discipline. They were never good enough anyway and won’t truly ever succeed or make you happy.

They are at peace knowing they made the world a better place by leaving. The thoughts don’t connect for someone who doesn’t understand the disease and those who try to mearly look at it as a cop out.

To those who do it is felt as sacrifice at making the world a happier place without them. Did you ask me if I was ok? Did you just sit in silence with me knowing my pain? I’m so sorry I came into your life and made it so miserable. I couldn’t make it right.

Maybe i will come back to this world a better person. A kinder more gentle person. Full of love and understanding. Without pain to inflict on the world.

No more emptiness. No more suffering. Most of all you can find your happiness just saying goodbye.

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.