Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

#theydidntcall

The struggle has been real. I miss my kids. 2 headed off to college and 2 are with their father this year through the school year for the first time in 20 years I only have one biological child living … Continue reading

What’s My Purpose?…..

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I have a degree that at this point is basically useless. After 17 years I am unable to obtain a job because I didn’t take one test…. I didn’t have to have any extra schooling or training. Just had to … Continue reading

A wasted life…

I had so much potential; growing up I aspired to be a lawyer my mom always said I could fight the paint off the walls and win. I found my passion as a Jr. in high school to become a Christian Psychologist (yes people there is a difference although both are extremely beneficial and needed).

I dug through thousands of schools for the perfect program all to be told by my parents they couldn’t afford to send me there. I have 2 sisters one was in grad school and the other was graduating high school.

I rushed to just get in anywhere to get out of my hometown. I hated it and dropped out first semester. I worked and got a townhouse with another coworker. Then I got married…. what else is a college dropout gonna do at that point besides find Mr. Wrong after all the missteps and rough issues- yep- make them worse.

If you have read any of my blogs you know that obviously that marriage failed along with a second. Then 2 more horrible relationships until I find what seemed like Mr. Perfect.

Yes ladies in so many ways he is the ultimate man. However, he’s still a man. He may do laundry and dishes and yes even cook…. but he comes with a whole other set of issues like insecurities and he has the needy me syndrome. It’s exhausting at times. Many many times.

He claims to not believe in God. Yet he throws up my beliefs and faith? Why does he care he doesn’t believe there is a God. That my God is made up out of weakness. Science is the answer.

I question every day what I did wrong. I have questioned that for nearly 25 years of my life. Why me? What did I do? How do I make it better? Why am I still alive?

Had I not gotten one of the 3 kids I’m sure I would have ended my life. God knew that. So there is a plan. Would be nice for him to let me in.

I have always said God allows the Devil to play with the strongest of strong to prove our faith runs deeper than the pain he inflicts.

Here I am again trashing another life given to me…. when will it stop?

Another day…….

In the past few years I have documented points in my life that have been so very difficult to get through while struggling with depression and anxiety. Today is no different. New trials and tribulations are always waiting around every … Continue reading

Reality….   but you can’t be real……

Reality…. but you can’t be real……

I went to the doctor this past week. They of course take you in and do the ever dreaded vitals where you get to see if your still fat and showing how old you are with your crappy high BP. … Continue reading

I SUCK

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So I haven’t written in forever…. Life has been a tornado to say the least! I met a guy (on and online dating app). My last effort at finding someone I can tolerate for even a month. So I had … Continue reading

You Say

You say you love her more than anything. She is your everything. The most amazing girl in the world… your soulmate? Bullsh$t!!!! You have taken every secret, every vulnerability she trusted you with and exposed it all. You take it … Continue reading

BACK OFF A$$Hole

We all want life to run a certain way. When it glitches it’s frustrating – beyond reason at times. But seriously??? Back off a$$hole!

We have all been there at one point in our lives or another with relationships, friendships, work, family, a money pit house or car lol. They come in many shapes and sizes but why do they have to always seem to screw you when you are just going about life minding your own business.

It’s like when you think just maybe today is the day that you can have a decent one, karma from some previous life come and smacks you in the face all over again!

Freaggin’ seriously? Leave me alone already. I have more than paid my dues to karma like 50xs over so back the flip off! Just because I didn’t say or do exactly what was “expected” is it really worth being like this?

I just take a deep breath and walk away…. Thats not the response you are looking for either but it’s the only reaction I have for now. I’m tired and thus I just walk away….. one day I won’t be back!

Another Day…

Waking up is more than a task. Breathing takes all of my energy. I feel the weight of world on my chest. Migraines and muscle aches are a daily inevitable. The sun is shining but my world is dark and cold.

For so many here at the holidays know those exact feelings. For others it’s an every day struggle and just another day. The struggles are real yet make believe manifestations of the brain. How can such a complex and amazing organ play such cruel tricks? Better yet… WHY ME?

I know so selfish! Some days I say if my life sucks this bad someone else is being left alone. Other days I feel like I’m being smashed harder than anyone and I am so resentful.

I have a home, a vehicle, and 5 beautiful awesome kids. I know better than to take myself from the evilness that is this world. I have tried that before- unsuccessfully obviously lol. The hours of therapy have learned lots about how to cope with my depression and anxiety. For that I’m very thankful.

Just once though I would like to do more than just wake up and get through another day but rather live it happily and without issues…. Just one day!