WINNING… NOW PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

I scheduled my NCLEX May 3rd. I couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety anymore and pushed the board exam up to last Friday. Was I ready? I felt I was ready any now as I would have been in another … Continue reading

A Hit & A Miss

So today was full of studying for board exams. That was until I got the call. I have went crazy and decided to go on and do a bridge BSN-MSN program. I had intended to start in the fall but it plays out I will start the day I take my board exams.

I stop and ask myself what the heck am I thinking? Then I tell myself I want more! If I can get thru that ADN program I can without a doubt get thru to my Masters.

I am excited and scared. I didn’t even begin to consult my husband. At the end of the day this is about me. What I want! Selfish and blunt as it gets.

After that call I talked to my son who was taking the TEAS today (which is the exam you have to pass to be accepted into any nursing school). He was a wreck. I have tried every avenue to help him. He buckled down harder than I have ever seen. He failed the science part yet I am still proud of him.

However, I know what a blow it was to him and I worry about his mental health and if he will stand up, dust off and give it another try. I pray he does and commits to studying harder. The environment his in and the people he surrounds himself with aren’t amazing though. He’s 21 but has a ways to go in growing up as all guys do. I’m still so proud of him for attempting this feat.

My youngest did her homework today! Again another huge accomplishment. She has really struggled this last 9 weeks. So we took a trip to target. I got my grandfather’s car so I would have my own ride for a while. Well on the way it broke down in the middle of the road. I managed to finally get it started and moving enough to limp it to the gas station. But who knows what’s wrong with it.

I feel so trapped without my own vehicle at this point. I’m so sad my husband won’t go get a car somewhere. But why should he? He uses the other all the time. He has basically taken it over I am not even allowed to go to the gas station without an explanation and time when I will be back. No trips to see anyone no get away. Just stuck. I’m very mad and very sad. But I say nothing because it would just become a fight. So I’m silent.

So today was huge! A total hit and a miss.

One and done…..

I have one week left and I’m officially an RN grad!!!! 18 months…. It’s been the nightmare I had always heard. It’s also been the quickest longest year and a half of my life. I studied my ass off. I … Continue reading

I LEFT… SO WHY DONT I FEEL RIGHT?

It was getting more intense. The words, the actions, even the lack there of. Then it happened a possible exposure and quarantine. He couldn’t be around. I tried to be kind and buy a COVID treat bag to keep him sane on the 3rd floor. Of course, I got a that was sweet but you probably didn’t mean it to be. Every gesture made it didn’t matter. It never did.

I have learned that I am bitter and angry at so much. I have also learned I don’t know how to turn that bitterness and anger off. There are some days I don’t even care. About anything besides my kids and school. Those feelings began to overtake me and that was all I felt.

The angry texts just kept coming from him like I had done this to him. His words they cut me like a sick sadistic freak over and over just enjoying every nasty mean thing. I finally said I was done. Because I was done. I was so sick and tired of the bullshit. I was dead inside.

I had a bag packed for months ready to go if it hit me. I was also able to grab important books my computer printer and whatever baskets of whatever looked like mine or Brynns. I threw them in the car. I also had the kids pack what they could pack. We had a trip planned out of town anyway for the day so it wasn’t suspicious us leaving.

I didn’t return. I have been in hiding. When I don’t have the kids i sleep in the vehicle. The rest of my days are spent in a hotel room. I want to drive by I want to see what is going on. I want to get my clothes and my kids things and my dishes and everything I came with. But I have to be patient.

I really want my marriage. But why? It was the best of the 3 but he has some serious mental issues. So maybe this will be the rest of my life just hiding. I don’t call anyone, I don’t message unless they message me. Why would I want a marriage where he won’t come out and take responsibility for this getting so bad. Why do I want a marriage where he won’t do marriage counseling? What do I want a marriage that is literally bc he wants to use me for what I can provide? Family,money, mom to his child, relief, stability a car.

Yeah he wants me now for a car. He didn’t fix his and so we’re we’re down to one car. That’s probably what did it for me what truly broke the camels back. It woke me to what I was worth to him.

It still does. He wants the car I want a real marriage. Something I will never get.

SnapChat is for child sex predators

The plot thickens…. There’s another predator that lured my child in. This one got to her. Long before I caught the first one apparently. It was her 13th birthday. My world came crashing down around me when I heard the … Continue reading

A Real Break

A year ago I decided to go back to school. I studied my tush off for 2 weeks took the TEAS and started applying everywhere in our area. I got a rejection letter from the program I wanted in to…. I was devastated but pushed on. Until I got the call. The Friday before the “dream” program was to start I got THE call. I was in if I wanted it! It was an intense program but I was over the moon and scared to death!

10 months later… I have studied day and night nearly every single day. I have dedicated every minute possible to this program. Breaks were not breaks because there was always the next term to study for. You have to get ahead so you aren’t behind from day one.

Today is the official start to a 3 week break. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never had 3 weeks. I know week 3 will be starting back to get ahead. I have some reading now but it’s finally not a rush!!!! I am lost and excited!! I feel like I should be doing a paper, a discussion, studying for the next test.

I thought I was alone in feeling like this but it’s the whole group!!! We all have PTSD and hope to overcome it to get some stuff done around the house and enjoy life the way it was before nursing school. I’m so excited! How do I get there…… How do I enjoy a real break?

COVID BUST….

So we are living through a horrible pandemic that most everyone has never before experienced. Life as we know has came to a complete stop…. Except for me. I’m currently in the hell of nursing school. The couch has been … Continue reading

Broken Strength

This gallery contains 2 photos.

I have finally made it over a huge hurdle. I am finally truly in nursing school!!!! My dream for my children and myself is finally within reach. After overcoming abuse, naysayers, poverty and time constraints the day to prove to … Continue reading