Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

I Broke…

It took one t’last thing to tip the scales…. I broke… I took my meds and tried to sleep thru it. Only worked for so long. I had to get out of the house.

I went out to grab a drink. Had 2 then I remember nothing at all. The meds I had taken were out of my system by then. I was so scared the next day.

It can happen to anyone. I got up to run outside for one minute. That’s all it took. It scares me to go out at all at this point.

It was my day to start healing. Time to become who I want to be. God protected me. I owe everything to him. I lost sight of my purpose. I became selfish and tried to take the wheel. It never works. You would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago.

BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

Impact statements

I have my new BSN-MSN classes starting tomorrow. I’m scared and traumatized from nursing school. I’m worried I jumped in too soon. I bought a car this eve without even actually seeing it hahaha bought smart though. Not sure my husband will agree he was asleep lol.

With school, a new job, and my kids on my mind I still have the weight of the world on me with these impact statements to the courts. For starters federal court is intimidating. Second facing these nasty horrible individuals who took my daughters youth and innocence away how do you even approach that?

How do you tell them they shattered our whole families world. The time we had to spend and still spend in therapy. The anxiety that we all have. The fear I face daily about her security and well being.

Her birthday is coming up… It should be a time of celebration and gifts. But for her it is a painful reminder of the night she was raped. Every birthday will be a reminder for the rest of her life. What can you do about that?

How do you covey the pain they caused and damage that will always be there? How do you not break down into tears of anger and pain? How do I not have the most horrible anxiety attack when looking each of them in the eyes? It had to be done. I have to go and stand up for my child and my family who was all affected. Will it ever end? The impact will last a lifetime.

SnapChat is for child sex predators

The plot thickens…. There’s another predator that lured my child in. This one got to her. Long before I caught the first one apparently. It was her 13th birthday. My world came crashing down around me when I heard the … Continue reading

Broken Strength

This gallery contains 2 photos.

I have finally made it over a huge hurdle. I am finally truly in nursing school!!!! My dream for my children and myself is finally within reach. After overcoming abuse, naysayers, poverty and time constraints the day to prove to … Continue reading

You Say

You say you love her more than anything. She is your everything. The most amazing girl in the world… your soulmate? Bullsh$t!!!! You have taken every secret, every vulnerability she trusted you with and exposed it all. You take it … Continue reading

Please Just Punch Me In The Face Before Kicking Me In The Gutt 

  
For the first time in nearly a month my son and I spent an evening together and didnt fight! It was amazing…. I have stayed backed away for as long as I could. He was only getting worse. He hadnt went to school 3 of 6 days and was late the other 3….

Yeah their approach wasnt working. So I made a dr appointment. He loves his dr they have an awesome bond (with sports) and shes great! So i picked him up and hauled him to her office (i had already discussed all of my concerns with her prior to getting him from school and thus I had to say nothing) When it was time to talk with him I simply slipped out and never came back. He walked out looking more relaxed and refreshed than he had in months. She told me he had made a decision and realized he needed to do better and if he didnt I was to bring him back IMMEDIATELY!! He wasnt even mad at me. I didnt question their conversations at all. I want him to have that type of connection with someone that he feels he can talk anything with and its a little off limits (there is no one better for that to be than a Nurse Practitioner who loves him and who has his health and best interest at heart)

I felt better yesterday evening than than i have in forever it felt! That carried over into today!

My moms birthday is in 3 days. She is in need of a new clothes drier. So weeks ago went to the local appliance store we get everything from and paid for a new one with a 10 year warranty to be delivered asap. Well that happened to be today. Which worked well for me. I made a pretty and huge bow and signed a card from the kids and had it there and the kids as she got home today…… She hated it apparently said it was a waste of money and didnt want it. I was outside. It was my 10 year old who came out upset and told me.

Seriously????? Please just punch me in the face before you kick me in the gutt!!! Maybe it would hurt less!

I just gathered the younger three up and decided to head home before I burst into tears. As the kids jumped into the car it hit me I had had enough…..

Yes, she is my mother. However, all my life I have watched my dad not appreciate any gift my mother would get him no matter how big or small, expensive or cheep, from her or from us girls on the tag. We would be so excited only to watch him snarl his nose or make a degrading comment about it. It cut like a knife. Over time it scared me. Since then I have ran into so many people in my life who followed suit hurting my feelings. Those people I worked so hard putting thought and love into each thing I picked out. Most of all  it wasted time and money just to be crushed….

I waltzed back into my moms house she came towards me with a smile… My response to her “Really?? You had to say that infront of the kids. they were excited and you act like that” She was trying to smooth it all over by starting to say something about how “we shouldnt have”…
All i could do was point at her and say “I cant do anything right can I…. you are acting just like my father”….. I stormed out of the door and left….

It wouldnt be an issue if it were my one of my sisters who had done it…. Im the broke one, the one going nowhere fast, worthless. Ya know that one in your family who just can’t seem to take flight no matter how hard they try. That one that you wonder can anyone really have that much bad luck or is she just enjoying being a waste and a mooch.

yeah well i DON’T…. I’m tired of being the “looser”… yes my fam is way too nice to say that outloud…. but come on I am not a fool…..

This is why I shouldnt try anything….. Why I should just stay at my home away from everyone. If Nothing else I wont feel this heartbreak!!! What’s to come next????