I Broke…

It took one t’last thing to tip the scales…. I broke… I took my meds and tried to sleep thru it. Only worked for so long. I had to get out of the house.

I went out to grab a drink. Had 2 then I remember nothing at all. The meds I had taken were out of my system by then. I was so scared the next day.

It can happen to anyone. I got up to run outside for one minute. That’s all it took. It scares me to go out at all at this point.

It was my day to start healing. Time to become who I want to be. God protected me. I owe everything to him. I lost sight of my purpose. I became selfish and tried to take the wheel. It never works. You would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago.

THE ANXIETY WON’T STOP

I’m trying so hard to stop. My mind goes to places it shouldn’t. I am in a near constant state of panic. My PTSD is triggered so easily. I have no trust in people anymore except a select few friends.

Growing up I was always the “black sheep”. I wasn’t the perfect oldest and I wasn’t the baby who demanded attention. I did my thing typically flying under the radar. I was by far the smartest but always the one they expected to fall on their face. When I graduated and went off to college my oldest sister was finishing her masters degree and my baby sister was a senior in high school so of course choice of college wasn’t an option and I was just kind of sent off to fend for myself at a college I despised. I started working because I had no money to eat on. After my first semester, I quit to work full time. Shortly there after I got married then pregnant. To a man that was severely abusive. Baby number 2 then finally a divorce. Then came the second marriage number two a few years later and following baby number 3. Then came 4&5. Then surprise he was cheating too. He was mentally abusive and quite frankly horrible in bed unless you liked the same old 3-5 min round. lol

I divorced him finally too after many separations. Then came the turmoil and an out of the nowhere boyfriend I didn’t even like who raped and molested me. The children were gone those weekends he was in thank goodness and it was only directed at me but it wouldn’t stop. I tried kicking him out he would just come back when the kids were there bc he knew I wouldn’t raise hell in front of them for anything in the world. I nearly drank myself to death on the weekends they weren’t there. Then the next loser so the freak would leave then I despised his lying ass but he moved on out of nowhere while I was at work and again in front of the kids he knew I wouldn’t say a word.

How in the sam hell did I get myself into all those situations???? I finally chose online dating and found one I wanted to meet and married him rather quick. I can’t shut off my past. I can’t stop my gut from telling my brain be aware. I trigger so easily. I cry and I worry and my anxiety is out of this world. I take meds but they only help partially. The world doesn’t stop and my chest hurts and my heart breaks constantly. I miss my kids and I worry so very much.

My therapist is working with me intensely but I can’t grasp and do everything I need to. She says baby steps are necessary and not to get discouraged but it freaking sucks. So much is coming up in my life and the nightmares don’t stop.

The panic sets in without anything or anyone around me. It can happen the min I wake up or even just watching TV or playing a game on my phone. There is zero rhyme or reason most of the time. I have a hair trigger for an anger outburst and then I’m done for the entire day. I thank all of those who have hurt me men, past friends, family you made me stronger than you ever imagined; however, you also ruined my life. I let it all build up to this point.

Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

Drinking From the Bottle

It’s been a week… Keeping up with exams, papers, discussions, assignments has felt nearly impossible. Stress exposing like a bomb. No kids home tonight so I bought some wine…. I’m drinking straight from the bottle.

Drinking without class. Drinking to drown everything out. Music up. Dark room. Nothing seems to be hitting the spot. Maybe I will find it in the bottom.

Missing a life, the love, peace from the anxiety. Happy and yet sad. So tonight I sit and drink from the bottle….

Say your sorry….

I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. I am cold but I have feelings. Questioning my integrity…. The smallest things turn into the hugest of craters. I disconnect. Today I don’t have to be the one to say I’m … Continue reading

6 More 6 Weeks…. +3

39 weeks!!!! Less than 10 months left of nursing school! This semester has been rough transitioning to all online lectures and clinical. COVID19 has been no joke in every aspect of human life. My husband and I have done better with communication and adapting to one another’s needs. It’s 2 steps forward a step back at time. I would call that tremendous progress in a relationship!

Stress still overwhelms me most of every day. I don’t expect that to change much for 39 weeks. It’s the nature of the beast. I realize why there’s a nursing shortage and why RNs are in huge demand. People don’t want to kill themselves. Mentally and physically I’m drained.

I could keep up with the laundry and dishes and cook. I could probably squeeze in some cleaning here and there. I’m thankful and blessed that I don’t have to. That was the agreement we made… I kick butt and learn everything I possibly can and he picks up the slack everywhere else. I do manage a little contribution here and there but it’s not much. I look at what I’m doing as a huge deed for the family and there are sacrifices that physically that have to be made.

I have had to learn that there are other ways to fold clothes and that I need to just be happy it was done. I have to realize that although there is a floor that needs swept no one is dying and it won’t hurt for them to stay that way another week or 6. I have had to let go of a lot of control. Not easy for a control freak.

So the kids seem more relaxed and happy with the time off daily. I will have all my kids with me this weekend and an extra. So a prayer may be needed as 7 kids pile in on us.

So 6 more 6 +3 will be here and gone before I know it. This journey has been hell and worth every second so far. I am blessed beyond measure.

COVID BUST….

So we are living through a horrible pandemic that most everyone has never before experienced. Life as we know has came to a complete stop…. Except for me. I’m currently in the hell of nursing school. The couch has been … Continue reading

Nothing Comes Without A Price…

My first term in nursing school is complete. My chance to fulfill my dream of becoming an RN is fast an furious in front of me. However, it doesn’t come without a price. I have sacrificed so many hours of … Continue reading

Broken Strength

This gallery contains 2 photos.

I have finally made it over a huge hurdle. I am finally truly in nursing school!!!! My dream for my children and myself is finally within reach. After overcoming abuse, naysayers, poverty and time constraints the day to prove to … Continue reading

#theydidntcall

The struggle has been real. I miss my kids. 2 headed off to college and 2 are with their father this year through the school year for the first time in 20 years I only have one biological child living … Continue reading