A wasted life…

I had so much potential; growing up I aspired to be a lawyer my mom always said I could fight the paint off the walls and win. I found my passion as a Jr. in high school to become a Christian Psychologist (yes people there is a difference although both are extremely beneficial and needed).

I dug through thousands of schools for the perfect program all to be told by my parents they couldn’t afford to send me there. I have 2 sisters one was in grad school and the other was graduating high school.

I rushed to just get in anywhere to get out of my hometown. I hated it and dropped out first semester. I worked and got a townhouse with another coworker. Then I got married…. what else is a college dropout gonna do at that point besides find Mr. Wrong after all the missteps and rough issues- yep- make them worse.

If you have read any of my blogs you know that obviously that marriage failed along with a second. Then 2 more horrible relationships until I find what seemed like Mr. Perfect.

Yes ladies in so many ways he is the ultimate man. However, he’s still a man. He may do laundry and dishes and yes even cook…. but he comes with a whole other set of issues like insecurities and he has the needy me syndrome. It’s exhausting at times. Many many times.

He claims to not believe in God. Yet he throws up my beliefs and faith? Why does he care he doesn’t believe there is a God. That my God is made up out of weakness. Science is the answer.

I question every day what I did wrong. I have questioned that for nearly 25 years of my life. Why me? What did I do? How do I make it better? Why am I still alive?

Had I not gotten one of the 3 kids I’m sure I would have ended my life. God knew that. So there is a plan. Would be nice for him to let me in.

I have always said God allows the Devil to play with the strongest of strong to prove our faith runs deeper than the pain he inflicts.

Here I am again trashing another life given to me…. when will it stop?

Another day…….

In the past few years I have documented points in my life that have been so very difficult to get through while struggling with depression and anxiety. Today is no different. New trials and tribulations are always waiting around every …

BACK OFF A$$Hole

We all want life to run a certain way. When it glitches it’s frustrating – beyond reason at times. But seriously??? Back off a$$hole!

We have all been there at one point in our lives or another with relationships, friendships, work, family, a money pit house or car lol. They come in many shapes and sizes but why do they have to always seem to screw you when you are just going about life minding your own business.

It’s like when you think just maybe today is the day that you can have a decent one, karma from some previous life come and smacks you in the face all over again!

Freaggin’ seriously? Leave me alone already. I have more than paid my dues to karma like 50xs over so back the flip off! Just because I didn’t say or do exactly what was “expected” is it really worth being like this?

I just take a deep breath and walk away…. Thats not the response you are looking for either but it’s the only reaction I have for now. I’m tired and thus I just walk away….. one day I won’t be back!

Another Day…

Waking up is more than a task. Breathing takes all of my energy. I feel the weight of world on my chest. Migraines and muscle aches are a daily inevitable. The sun is shining but my world is dark and cold.

For so many here at the holidays know those exact feelings. For others it’s an every day struggle and just another day. The struggles are real yet make believe manifestations of the brain. How can such a complex and amazing organ play such cruel tricks? Better yet… WHY ME?

I know so selfish! Some days I say if my life sucks this bad someone else is being left alone. Other days I feel like I’m being smashed harder than anyone and I am so resentful.

I have a home, a vehicle, and 5 beautiful awesome kids. I know better than to take myself from the evilness that is this world. I have tried that before- unsuccessfully obviously lol. The hours of therapy have learned lots about how to cope with my depression and anxiety. For that I’m very thankful.

Just once though I would like to do more than just wake up and get through another day but rather live it happily and without issues…. Just one day!

So What’s Really Wrong?

So enough of the similes! What’s really wrong? I laugh and tell you my whole life. No one word… MEN! I am so sick of a man ruining my daily life. I married at 19 that was a joke. He beat on me the first night we said “I do”. Threw me through a door, my head through a towel rack into a tile wall then into the bathtub. Totally embarrassed I stayed and had 2 kids. I felt so trapped. I had made this huge commitment not only to this total piece of shit but to God. I stayed until I felt death was eminent and then I left. I still suffer to this day.

I fought so hard for the safety of my kids. Years later the divorce was final and I had my babies out of harms way. I stayed single for the most part only dating here and there but I never trusted a soul. Then I finally met the next ” the one”.

That was a joke from hell. He was great for a few years. Until we were going to get married. We did which was a huge mistake. He ended up mentally abusive which I took for years because it was still better than the physical or so I thought then. He then started on my kids. Funny story was he was cheating his ass off on me. I was so dumb and blind I didn’t see it. Just had 3 more kids to a total piece of shit that awesome!!!!

Fast forward from that disastrous divorce here I am 2 more crappy relationships later. Thank God on the highest I wasn’t dumb enough to marry them.

I haven’t got rid of the second problem yet. I hate him though he makes me feel horrible. He tells me all of my downfalls and what a horrible person I am. “Bipolar Cunt Bitch Piece of Shit Lazy Piece of Shit Nothing” You would think duahhhhhhh get rid of him. Lmfao yeah right he moved in my house over a year ago without us even discussing it and he basically refuses to leave. With the kids it’s just easier to throw the covers over my head and have migraines. Fuck life. Fuck living. That’s for others to do. I’ll just stay in bed being the lazy ass bipolar piece of shit that I am. I’m stuck again. Stuck with another asshole who wants to use money as leverage and all that he does. Like I didn’t carry him forever. FUCK IT ALL!