Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

Another Wish of Death

I stood before a federal court and spoke my daughters words. Multiple times I wanted to break down but I kept myself together to stay strong for her. I knew in that moment I had to be her voice and … Continue reading

THE ANXIETY WON’T STOP

I’m trying so hard to stop. My mind goes to places it shouldn’t. I am in a near constant state of panic. My PTSD is triggered so easily. I have no trust in people anymore except a select few friends.

Growing up I was always the “black sheep”. I wasn’t the perfect oldest and I wasn’t the baby who demanded attention. I did my thing typically flying under the radar. I was by far the smartest but always the one they expected to fall on their face. When I graduated and went off to college my oldest sister was finishing her masters degree and my baby sister was a senior in high school so of course choice of college wasn’t an option and I was just kind of sent off to fend for myself at a college I despised. I started working because I had no money to eat on. After my first semester, I quit to work full time. Shortly there after I got married then pregnant. To a man that was severely abusive. Baby number 2 then finally a divorce. Then came the second marriage number two a few years later and following baby number 3. Then came 4&5. Then surprise he was cheating too. He was mentally abusive and quite frankly horrible in bed unless you liked the same old 3-5 min round. lol

I divorced him finally too after many separations. Then came the turmoil and an out of the nowhere boyfriend I didn’t even like who raped and molested me. The children were gone those weekends he was in thank goodness and it was only directed at me but it wouldn’t stop. I tried kicking him out he would just come back when the kids were there bc he knew I wouldn’t raise hell in front of them for anything in the world. I nearly drank myself to death on the weekends they weren’t there. Then the next loser so the freak would leave then I despised his lying ass but he moved on out of nowhere while I was at work and again in front of the kids he knew I wouldn’t say a word.

How in the sam hell did I get myself into all those situations???? I finally chose online dating and found one I wanted to meet and married him rather quick. I can’t shut off my past. I can’t stop my gut from telling my brain be aware. I trigger so easily. I cry and I worry and my anxiety is out of this world. I take meds but they only help partially. The world doesn’t stop and my chest hurts and my heart breaks constantly. I miss my kids and I worry so very much.

My therapist is working with me intensely but I can’t grasp and do everything I need to. She says baby steps are necessary and not to get discouraged but it freaking sucks. So much is coming up in my life and the nightmares don’t stop.

The panic sets in without anything or anyone around me. It can happen the min I wake up or even just watching TV or playing a game on my phone. There is zero rhyme or reason most of the time. I have a hair trigger for an anger outburst and then I’m done for the entire day. I thank all of those who have hurt me men, past friends, family you made me stronger than you ever imagined; however, you also ruined my life. I let it all build up to this point.

Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.

SnapChat is for child sex predators

The plot thickens…. There’s another predator that lured my child in. This one got to her. Long before I caught the first one apparently. It was her 13th birthday. My world came crashing down around me when I heard the … Continue reading

A Real Break

A year ago I decided to go back to school. I studied my tush off for 2 weeks took the TEAS and started applying everywhere in our area. I got a rejection letter from the program I wanted in to…. I was devastated but pushed on. Until I got the call. The Friday before the “dream” program was to start I got THE call. I was in if I wanted it! It was an intense program but I was over the moon and scared to death!

10 months later… I have studied day and night nearly every single day. I have dedicated every minute possible to this program. Breaks were not breaks because there was always the next term to study for. You have to get ahead so you aren’t behind from day one.

Today is the official start to a 3 week break. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never had 3 weeks. I know week 3 will be starting back to get ahead. I have some reading now but it’s finally not a rush!!!! I am lost and excited!! I feel like I should be doing a paper, a discussion, studying for the next test.

I thought I was alone in feeling like this but it’s the whole group!!! We all have PTSD and hope to overcome it to get some stuff done around the house and enjoy life the way it was before nursing school. I’m so excited! How do I get there…… How do I enjoy a real break?

Drinking From the Bottle

It’s been a week… Keeping up with exams, papers, discussions, assignments has felt nearly impossible. Stress exposing like a bomb. No kids home tonight so I bought some wine…. I’m drinking straight from the bottle.

Drinking without class. Drinking to drown everything out. Music up. Dark room. Nothing seems to be hitting the spot. Maybe I will find it in the bottom.

Missing a life, the love, peace from the anxiety. Happy and yet sad. So tonight I sit and drink from the bottle….

Say your sorry….

I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. I am cold but I have feelings. Questioning my integrity…. The smallest things turn into the hugest of craters. I disconnect. Today I don’t have to be the one to say I’m … Continue reading

6 More 6 Weeks…. +3

39 weeks!!!! Less than 10 months left of nursing school! This semester has been rough transitioning to all online lectures and clinical. COVID19 has been no joke in every aspect of human life. My husband and I have done better with communication and adapting to one another’s needs. It’s 2 steps forward a step back at time. I would call that tremendous progress in a relationship!

Stress still overwhelms me most of every day. I don’t expect that to change much for 39 weeks. It’s the nature of the beast. I realize why there’s a nursing shortage and why RNs are in huge demand. People don’t want to kill themselves. Mentally and physically I’m drained.

I could keep up with the laundry and dishes and cook. I could probably squeeze in some cleaning here and there. I’m thankful and blessed that I don’t have to. That was the agreement we made… I kick butt and learn everything I possibly can and he picks up the slack everywhere else. I do manage a little contribution here and there but it’s not much. I look at what I’m doing as a huge deed for the family and there are sacrifices that physically that have to be made.

I have had to learn that there are other ways to fold clothes and that I need to just be happy it was done. I have to realize that although there is a floor that needs swept no one is dying and it won’t hurt for them to stay that way another week or 6. I have had to let go of a lot of control. Not easy for a control freak.

So the kids seem more relaxed and happy with the time off daily. I will have all my kids with me this weekend and an extra. So a prayer may be needed as 7 kids pile in on us.

So 6 more 6 +3 will be here and gone before I know it. This journey has been hell and worth every second so far. I am blessed beyond measure.