Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

Another Wish of Death

I stood before a federal court and spoke my daughters words. Multiple times I wanted to break down but I kept myself together to stay strong for her. I knew in that moment I had to be her voice and … Continue reading

I Broke…

It took one t’last thing to tip the scales…. I broke… I took my meds and tried to sleep thru it. Only worked for so long. I had to get out of the house.

I went out to grab a drink. Had 2 then I remember nothing at all. The meds I had taken were out of my system by then. I was so scared the next day.

It can happen to anyone. I got up to run outside for one minute. That’s all it took. It scares me to go out at all at this point.

It was my day to start healing. Time to become who I want to be. God protected me. I owe everything to him. I lost sight of my purpose. I became selfish and tried to take the wheel. It never works. You would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago.

BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

WINNING… NOW PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

I scheduled my NCLEX May 3rd. I couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety anymore and pushed the board exam up to last Friday. Was I ready? I felt I was ready any now as I would have been in another … Continue reading

One and done…..

I have one week left and I’m officially an RN grad!!!! 18 months…. It’s been the nightmare I had always heard. It’s also been the quickest longest year and a half of my life. I studied my ass off. I … Continue reading

I LEFT… SO WHY DONT I FEEL RIGHT?

It was getting more intense. The words, the actions, even the lack there of. Then it happened a possible exposure and quarantine. He couldn’t be around. I tried to be kind and buy a COVID treat bag to keep him sane on the 3rd floor. Of course, I got a that was sweet but you probably didn’t mean it to be. Every gesture made it didn’t matter. It never did.

I have learned that I am bitter and angry at so much. I have also learned I don’t know how to turn that bitterness and anger off. There are some days I don’t even care. About anything besides my kids and school. Those feelings began to overtake me and that was all I felt.

The angry texts just kept coming from him like I had done this to him. His words they cut me like a sick sadistic freak over and over just enjoying every nasty mean thing. I finally said I was done. Because I was done. I was so sick and tired of the bullshit. I was dead inside.

I had a bag packed for months ready to go if it hit me. I was also able to grab important books my computer printer and whatever baskets of whatever looked like mine or Brynns. I threw them in the car. I also had the kids pack what they could pack. We had a trip planned out of town anyway for the day so it wasn’t suspicious us leaving.

I didn’t return. I have been in hiding. When I don’t have the kids i sleep in the vehicle. The rest of my days are spent in a hotel room. I want to drive by I want to see what is going on. I want to get my clothes and my kids things and my dishes and everything I came with. But I have to be patient.

I really want my marriage. But why? It was the best of the 3 but he has some serious mental issues. So maybe this will be the rest of my life just hiding. I don’t call anyone, I don’t message unless they message me. Why would I want a marriage where he won’t come out and take responsibility for this getting so bad. Why do I want a marriage where he won’t do marriage counseling? What do I want a marriage that is literally bc he wants to use me for what I can provide? Family,money, mom to his child, relief, stability a car.

Yeah he wants me now for a car. He didn’t fix his and so we’re we’re down to one car. That’s probably what did it for me what truly broke the camels back. It woke me to what I was worth to him.

It still does. He wants the car I want a real marriage. Something I will never get.

Saying Goodbye

Everyone has that moment from the time they are born. Their day is written in the book of life. Nothing can change that no matter the circumstances. Some question why. Others are full of resentment and grief.

When is my day? I frequently ask myself that question. There are days the struggles within myself to believe any self worth is even possible.

If I were to say goodbye tonight would you be alright. Would it shed some pain and conflict for you? Would the grief wear off and normal life set in? Would you find yourself happier without my lectures and holding you accountable? Would it be better to not have my nagging voice?

Saying goodbye is difficult but to know you will be in a better place and have a life full of happiness. Moments I would slip into your mind letting you know I am there to watch over you from afar.

That’s how a suicidal mind works. That those they leave behind are in a better place because of their nonexistence. Beaten down and battered mentally exhausted with nothing at all to offer. The world is better because they can now function without the mean and brutal person that one haunted them daily.

They will never be an embarrassment or problem again. They won’t burden your life with needs and wants or discipline. They were never good enough anyway and won’t truly ever succeed or make you happy.

They are at peace knowing they made the world a better place by leaving. The thoughts don’t connect for someone who doesn’t understand the disease and those who try to mearly look at it as a cop out.

To those who do it is felt as sacrifice at making the world a happier place without them. Did you ask me if I was ok? Did you just sit in silence with me knowing my pain? I’m so sorry I came into your life and made it so miserable. I couldn’t make it right.

Maybe i will come back to this world a better person. A kinder more gentle person. Full of love and understanding. Without pain to inflict on the world.

No more emptiness. No more suffering. Most of all you can find your happiness just saying goodbye.

Another day…….

In the past few years I have documented points in my life that have been so very difficult to get through while struggling with depression and anxiety. Today is no different. New trials and tribulations are always waiting around every … Continue reading

You Say

You say you love her more than anything. She is your everything. The most amazing girl in the world… your soulmate? Bullsh$t!!!! You have taken every secret, every vulnerability she trusted you with and exposed it all. You take it … Continue reading