Another Day In Hell

I feel I only get around to blissing when things are horrible. I find it to be my outlet though. I slept 3 hours in 29 hours so I could see my kids. Well, the kids went to their dads … Continue reading

Another Wish of Death

I stood before a federal court and spoke my daughters words. Multiple times I wanted to break down but I kept myself together to stay strong for her. I knew in that moment I had to be her voice and … Continue reading

To the 2nd man that tried to rape my daughter

My daughter was a happy, carefree, beautiful and loving 12 year old little girl. You found her on Snapchat. You hid behind lies and deceit. You taught her things a 12 year old should never know. You asked for disgusting and compromising pictures and videos of her over and over despite her telling you no. Things such as masturbating with her hairbrush and the list could go on for miles. You convinced her that you loved her and cared for her more than anyone in the world.

You sent her disgustingly horrible videos and pictures and when she wouldn’t comply with your wishes you would tell her about your other girlfriends. Your mind games were endless. She believed you were a teen. She believed everything that you said. Why would she believe any different? She was naive and innocent to your cruel and evil intentions.

When I discovered your communication I immediately started doing background work on you. You were easy to find even with your lies. I had a face to face discussion with you on a Snapchat call where you also tried to lie to me. You begged me to not go to the police and swore yes you had lied about your age you were not 15 but you were only 17. I told you right then and there I was going to the police regardless. I already knew your lies.

With your perverse and sinister nature you didn’t care. Within days you were again reaching out to talk to her. This time offering her and her friend money to have sex with you. You traveled to take my daughter from her home and video sexual acts with her and her friend within a week of my conversation with you. They had literally just turned 13 and you not only wanted to take them from their homes and give them money for videoing sex with them you traveled around 5 hours to do so.

You have no conscience. You didn’t care about their well-being mentally or physically. You knew the dangers and your perverse mentality was reckless without any concern for my daughters life.

She has been in therapy for over a year now. She was on suicide watch for months. She went from a happy innocent girl to a child that began to hate herself. I could see something had changed but couldn’t find the issue for a couple of months due to Snapchat’s setup. Once I found you though it was days, weeks and months of dealing with local, state and federal law enforcement. My 13 year old daughter, your victim, lost so many newly sought after teenage freedoms because we were scared to death to let her out of our sight. She was not allowed to go to friend’s houses for sleepovers and she wasn’t even allowed to talk or texts friends for the past year unless she sat beside of us for fear another evil man was after her. Her grades bottomed out and she switched schools 3 times. I couldn’t go back to work and my own panic attacks set in. I struggled to stay in nursing school and graduate. My youngest daughter struggled so much with what has happened to her sister she too now has severe anxiety and depression. She is also in therapy and starting to now have panic attacks. She trusts no one. It has affected our family as a whole.

You are a man who took advantage of my child and preyed on her innocence and did so with malice. The simple fact that you completely disregarded that I was going to the police and continued to send messages and videos and ask for them in return over and over and then tried to pick her up and give her money for sex knowing her age at 12 and 13 clearly shows that there is no place for you in society. You will continue to be a danger to young girls everywhere at all times with freedom.

I ask the court on behalf of my daughter and my family to please punish him to the fullest extent allowable. We ask for this to save other young girls and their families from this destruction. Children deserve to have protection. They deserve to have an innocence and for it to not be taken by a sick and twisted perverse adult that knows better. An adult that doesn’t care about the law or the harm they cause to young children. An adult that is willing to travel for hours to satisfy his sick desires. He has proven to be one of those people.

BULLSHIT GAMES

After what I believed to be one of our better weekends, everything this morning went to hell and quick. Yes we had problems but we worked through them quickly. Until this morning when I was woke by a text telling me what a piece of crap wife I was, how I didn’t want the marriage and how he was leaving.

So I burst into tears because he’s back to the same old crap and I don’t understand why I can’t even one day of rest. I had just bought him a large amount of clothes so I bagged them up and the them in the trunk to take them back. I’m not dressing a man for the next woman point blank.

He came home started in on me over the clothes. I was anticipating that one. Not that it was the nicest thing to do but why should I continue to do and do for a man that treats me like hell.

So he retaliated tonight by canceling your car insurance. Instead of being mad I just got on the phone and purchased my own insurance. And then I got a set of tools and a butter knife and I took my license plate off the pathfinder that was to my old pathfinder. I hid that bitch where he will never find it.

I’m not one for games but aim sick and tired of playing into them. I have been used and mentally fucked with enough. I am calling to look at a place tomorrow and plan to write a check on the spot if they will take me.

I think that regardless of the outcome we need to separate. This is not healthy. I have a life to live and children to raise and I feel it is time to move on.

I can fix crazy. I have taken the blame for so long tried to fix me and yes I have made a billion mistakes but the psycho and the drama I am done with. Today was because I didn’t come to bed due to the fact that his snoring sounds like a freight train and I rest better sleeping downstairs. Plus I found a Viagra in his pants pockets something he has hid he’s even taking (and I have been gone for a week). Plus all the liquor and wine bottles hidden in the house…. we have a trash can?

Tomorrow I start to pack and quickly. I will try to get out as quickly as possible. I love this man but it’s just a messed up situation. We have both had wrongs and made lots and lots of mistakes. But It’s just time to separate. It’s time to find some peace. It’s time to do this for me and my children. No more bullshit games.

THE ANXIETY WON’T STOP

I’m trying so hard to stop. My mind goes to places it shouldn’t. I am in a near constant state of panic. My PTSD is triggered so easily. I have no trust in people anymore except a select few friends.

Growing up I was always the “black sheep”. I wasn’t the perfect oldest and I wasn’t the baby who demanded attention. I did my thing typically flying under the radar. I was by far the smartest but always the one they expected to fall on their face. When I graduated and went off to college my oldest sister was finishing her masters degree and my baby sister was a senior in high school so of course choice of college wasn’t an option and I was just kind of sent off to fend for myself at a college I despised. I started working because I had no money to eat on. After my first semester, I quit to work full time. Shortly there after I got married then pregnant. To a man that was severely abusive. Baby number 2 then finally a divorce. Then came the second marriage number two a few years later and following baby number 3. Then came 4&5. Then surprise he was cheating too. He was mentally abusive and quite frankly horrible in bed unless you liked the same old 3-5 min round. lol

I divorced him finally too after many separations. Then came the turmoil and an out of the nowhere boyfriend I didn’t even like who raped and molested me. The children were gone those weekends he was in thank goodness and it was only directed at me but it wouldn’t stop. I tried kicking him out he would just come back when the kids were there bc he knew I wouldn’t raise hell in front of them for anything in the world. I nearly drank myself to death on the weekends they weren’t there. Then the next loser so the freak would leave then I despised his lying ass but he moved on out of nowhere while I was at work and again in front of the kids he knew I wouldn’t say a word.

How in the sam hell did I get myself into all those situations???? I finally chose online dating and found one I wanted to meet and married him rather quick. I can’t shut off my past. I can’t stop my gut from telling my brain be aware. I trigger so easily. I cry and I worry and my anxiety is out of this world. I take meds but they only help partially. The world doesn’t stop and my chest hurts and my heart breaks constantly. I miss my kids and I worry so very much.

My therapist is working with me intensely but I can’t grasp and do everything I need to. She says baby steps are necessary and not to get discouraged but it freaking sucks. So much is coming up in my life and the nightmares don’t stop.

The panic sets in without anything or anyone around me. It can happen the min I wake up or even just watching TV or playing a game on my phone. There is zero rhyme or reason most of the time. I have a hair trigger for an anger outburst and then I’m done for the entire day. I thank all of those who have hurt me men, past friends, family you made me stronger than you ever imagined; however, you also ruined my life. I let it all build up to this point.

Therapy Today

So today was revealing…. I learned or actually spoke out loud I can accept compliments. Why? Because I have never felt like enough regardless? Due to the fact that I am who I am; the good with the bad? Idc … Continue reading

One and done…..

I have one week left and I’m officially an RN grad!!!! 18 months…. It’s been the nightmare I had always heard. It’s also been the quickest longest year and a half of my life. I studied my ass off. I … Continue reading

I LEFT… SO WHY DONT I FEEL RIGHT?

It was getting more intense. The words, the actions, even the lack there of. Then it happened a possible exposure and quarantine. He couldn’t be around. I tried to be kind and buy a COVID treat bag to keep him sane on the 3rd floor. Of course, I got a that was sweet but you probably didn’t mean it to be. Every gesture made it didn’t matter. It never did.

I have learned that I am bitter and angry at so much. I have also learned I don’t know how to turn that bitterness and anger off. There are some days I don’t even care. About anything besides my kids and school. Those feelings began to overtake me and that was all I felt.

The angry texts just kept coming from him like I had done this to him. His words they cut me like a sick sadistic freak over and over just enjoying every nasty mean thing. I finally said I was done. Because I was done. I was so sick and tired of the bullshit. I was dead inside.

I had a bag packed for months ready to go if it hit me. I was also able to grab important books my computer printer and whatever baskets of whatever looked like mine or Brynns. I threw them in the car. I also had the kids pack what they could pack. We had a trip planned out of town anyway for the day so it wasn’t suspicious us leaving.

I didn’t return. I have been in hiding. When I don’t have the kids i sleep in the vehicle. The rest of my days are spent in a hotel room. I want to drive by I want to see what is going on. I want to get my clothes and my kids things and my dishes and everything I came with. But I have to be patient.

I really want my marriage. But why? It was the best of the 3 but he has some serious mental issues. So maybe this will be the rest of my life just hiding. I don’t call anyone, I don’t message unless they message me. Why would I want a marriage where he won’t come out and take responsibility for this getting so bad. Why do I want a marriage where he won’t do marriage counseling? What do I want a marriage that is literally bc he wants to use me for what I can provide? Family,money, mom to his child, relief, stability a car.

Yeah he wants me now for a car. He didn’t fix his and so we’re we’re down to one car. That’s probably what did it for me what truly broke the camels back. It woke me to what I was worth to him.

It still does. He wants the car I want a real marriage. Something I will never get.

My Life….. And the Drama Flows Like Water

So my ex decided to move thirty min down the road…. With one of my kids…. the other fair game I guess for the next 9 weeks of school. Ummmm no. She’s on virtual learning she can come stay with me if he can’t figure it out.

I found out he was moving for my sons sporting carrier he’s in 10th grade. We are in the middle of a pandemic. He had zero plans for who would watch our daughter who at this point needs closely monitored for so many reasons even at her age.

His mommy he’s loved with since I kicked him out is about ready to have a nervous breakdown letting him go. Rumor has it she’s planning to move up with him. That’s a real woman getter.

The kids told me he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the oven. Yeah because he’s never used one hardly. Or a washer and dryer. Or cooked or filed and but away clothes or had to make appointments or pick up medications or do multiple appointments or take off work while actually having to answer to someone. So this should get very interesting very quick.

More power to him if he figures it out. However, he’s always had a woman there to do it all for him so……. My daughter is not going to be left out floundering doing whatever whenever with whoever. She belongs with her parents and her siblings. He chose to move on a 3 day notice that of which he took me to court for saying i didn’t give the adequate time and that they would miss their friends and family to much to move. Funny how the shoe doesn’t fit on the other foot so well.

I am however stoked to have them so close. The first day they were all with me we had 4 of us doing homework and I had to help the other 3 so I could do mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. It could be a very long and hard four months for me to finish nursing school.

BUT I WILL FINISH!!!! I AM FIGHTING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE IN ME TO GET THRU THIS AND FINISH. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BATTLE FOR ONCE.

A Real Break

A year ago I decided to go back to school. I studied my tush off for 2 weeks took the TEAS and started applying everywhere in our area. I got a rejection letter from the program I wanted in to…. I was devastated but pushed on. Until I got the call. The Friday before the “dream” program was to start I got THE call. I was in if I wanted it! It was an intense program but I was over the moon and scared to death!

10 months later… I have studied day and night nearly every single day. I have dedicated every minute possible to this program. Breaks were not breaks because there was always the next term to study for. You have to get ahead so you aren’t behind from day one.

Today is the official start to a 3 week break. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never had 3 weeks. I know week 3 will be starting back to get ahead. I have some reading now but it’s finally not a rush!!!! I am lost and excited!! I feel like I should be doing a paper, a discussion, studying for the next test.

I thought I was alone in feeling like this but it’s the whole group!!! We all have PTSD and hope to overcome it to get some stuff done around the house and enjoy life the way it was before nursing school. I’m so excited! How do I get there…… How do I enjoy a real break?