At All Cost

I have found what I believed to be the love of my life. I sold my house spent nearly a year to fight to take my kids with me. I moved to a new town broken.

The man that completed me made me feel so protected and safe. He was my rock and I had no doubt this was where I needed to be.

I needed a purpose. A purpose for moving away and having to leave 2 of my kids. I went to nursing school. It was an accelerated RN program. It was a hell I had never on earth expected. The anxiety and panic attacks ensued. It took a toll on my health, my family and my life.

I graduated and passed my board exams. I walked into a job. As with everything I do in life I chose one of the most challenging positions in a very large ER.

I have submerged myself in work to hide. Hide from the pain from my broken marriage. Where did it go? How? Why?

He blames me. Maybe it is. I am a black and white no messing around kind of person. I am to the point I am looking out for me and mine. I have spent over one hundred thousand dollars on this marriage for this family. I am told this still isn’t enough.

I went to a store a gas station or just about anywhere I would just find something and think of him. I could sit and think of something fun for us to do on a day or hour off. That was not reciprocated.

It got to a point that I became resentful. I started to keep a tally. I knew what I was putting into things mentally, physically and monetarily.

I planned a vacation and chose to just take my kids and leave he and his son home. I was exhausted from being taken for a ride. I was beyond feeling used. I needed a break. I needed time with my kids.

I then made him buy for his son for Christmas. I have done every Christmas and birthday before now for him. I can’t anymore. I pay every bill. I pay for all the groceries and everything that comes into this house. I paid for someone to mow the lawn and someone to come in and clean the house because I am never home enough to even know what is clean and what is dirty.

Always an excuse. Always my fault. Never enough. I am now wondering at what cost do I continue.

I will do anything and everything humanly possible for my kids. I want to love, guide and be there for them always. I just want to be loved. I want to be thought of. I want to be romanced and feel special. I want a team player.

It’s ok that this isn’t it. I just want out in one piece this time. I’m not enough for him to be what I want. I just want more. It’s learning to let go at all cost.