The Struggle in My Mind

Yesterday night was a nightmare. I have had so many days of the pain. Tonight I looked in the mirror with red swollen eyes and I felt nothing inside. I told myself the truth… I will never receive the love I want because I don’t deserve it. I told myself I’m getting everything I do deserve.

I came downstairs lifeless. Numb. I haven’t self harmed in a year or so until tonight. To feel something… anything. It felt good to feel the pain I so much deserve.

I stop and tell myself I don’t. I feel otherwise and I wish for peace in my mind. I don’t deserve any happiness and my kids don’t deserve a shitty mom. My husband doesn’t deserve a shitty wife and my family doesn’t deserve a shitty me.

I am only a nurse and I feel like a failure there too. I am nothing. I deserve nothing and my only hope is death.

Today I struggle in my mind. PTSD hit me hard. I never thought last nights events would ever happen. However, they did. Now I am gone. That quickly. If anything happens I hope they know despite being a piece of shit I did love them all.

Medicated Amnesia

I don’t have the words to explain what severe anxiety and PTSD feel like. It may feel different for others but it’s like my whole inner body is just going to rip thru my skin. My heart races and chest pain ensues. The thoughts just race thru your head almost a million at a time. Some memories of the past which turn into other memories of the past linking them to the current situation that leads to absolute fear of the future.

I used to think I was crazy when something would trigger my PTSD. My real horror was when I no longer needed a trigger. Out of nowhere it happened. I could be celebrating a holiday or on a picnic and as quickly as lightning strikes there it is to ruin my happy moment. It almost feels like it’s on purpose. As if I don’t deserve those wonderful moments like others do.

I forget to take my medication frequently until the days of anxiety attacks and PTSD hit me so hard and then it hits… Great just great I have messed up my medicine again. One may ask how that happens. Sometimes it’s my hectic life as a mother, or as a nurse, or a wife, ballmom, student, housekeeper, billpayer, grocery shopper, or other times it’s that I am so exhausted doing and being all those other things that I don’t want to move.

I wish I could medicate myself into selective amnesia. There are times I think I would accept complete amnesia but I could never imagine losing the memories with my children. I just medicate to the point that my anxiety and PTSD don’t affect my body much. Nothing bad just Wellbutrin and Klonopin at times when it’s out of control. I’m thankful I haven’t turned back to drinking and never turned to illegal drugs to numb me. I would rather live with the memories and lose who I am.

In all reality I am a good human and I deserve good things to happen to me. I lose myself in the PTSD so hard I forget that. I push away everything that means anything as a means of protection. If I push them away I can not be hurt. I submerge myself into school and work to hide from my feelings. My pain is nonexistent when I’m busy.

How do I win? The doctors don’t want to give me anymore medication thanks to those who use drugs illegally. I don’t want to be a zombie I just want to not feel like this. It’s an internal torture that makes you doubt yourself. It creates panic and fear. I just need those parts to stop.

My Birthday Girl Destroyed

Her father acts as if she is his property. Yes she’s not legally an adult yet and ai truly believe that she should have rules. However, all the rules in the world is not going to provide a better outcome. He’s upset, angry, bitter, hurt, and ready to revolt.

She doesn’t speak up for herself much. She won’t tell him how she truly feels. I don’t want to play games as I did before.

They told me one thing then told him and the judge another. I have came to terms with the outcome after all these years. That doesn’t mean he gets to control them. I am not a bad mother and he can’t keep them from me. I am going to have to go back to court to fight yet another battle just to make my children’s lives livable.

Part of me is salty. I have said to them numerous times this was what you wanted. (Not the best mother moment I am aware.) Part of me is crushed. Seeing my babies wanting so much more.

But today is a special day. Today is her birthday. I have done everything I could to make her entire weekend as special as possible. She wanted to stay the night and she got cussed at and grounded for yet another week.

Today was a milestone of going for her learners. (Looks like we are gonna have to retry that milestone next week) Her heart rate is back up and had to have blood work. Her father I suppose is jealous and doesn’t want me involved in her healthcare which he has no legal grounds to do. Her disease could kill her he calls her fat and lazy. Graves’ disease is not something to joke about or talk horrible things to people due to the side effects.

He is not the worst dad he does love his kids. He doesn’t know how to do anything except control them and talk to them like dirt. So What do I do? Do I go to court? Do I lay back and let the cards fall where they may? I am in desperate need of advice.

Today I watched my birthday girl get destroyed by her father. I’m a wreck. I can’t save her so easily anymore. Yet I can do more than I am.

I don’t need anyone to make my life better…. I need someone who’s not going to make it worse!

We all look to having a soulmate who will forever bring days of sunshine and love. That person sitting there holding your hand looking at you with undying love and passion every day (or close to it) of your life. The person who does those little things to let you know they thought of you. Heartfelt gifts that let know they dug see and truly know you.

I have been married for 4 years… I do not have this. However, I have a man that believes if he does his and his sons laundry and throws it back into a basket and their dishes into the dishwasher then I should know how much he loves me.

For Mother’s Day this year he ran 3 miles up the road to pick up the Walmart order I paid for. That and his clothes and dishes. When I was asked repeatedly what was wrong I finally said it was mother’s day and I made breakfast and dinner for everyone. To which he replied how he had done those things for me today.

I accepted the fact that I was again not enough to do anything for and just went on about my evening and scrubbed down the kitchen and did the dishes, pots and pans.

When I finished and went back to the couch to retire for the evening he started in on me again. He hashed up all the things he had previously said then followed it up with the smack down of how he “could not wait to sweep me off my feet if I could just show I’m more into this relationship”. Wtfreak??!?? I married him I have stayed in this relationship and paid for the majority of all the costs incurred, watched him talk to another woman over the period of 3 years, trade a vehicle I paid the majority of for him a midlife crisis car, and never get anything romantic or personal from him.

It upsets me so much. I question my sanity or desperation at this point. So to that I say I don’t need someone to make my life better I can do that on my own if I want. What I do need is someone that doesn’t make it worse.

I am by no means a saint. I am also by no means the worst. I blow up I get over it. I look forward as much as possible. How in the hell do you look past another woman? But I have. Yes, I am a fool. I just want a Disney movie that will never happen.

I’m fine. I see a glimmer of light in the pool of reality. It’s tough to eat reality. I just refuse to quit even in the darkest. I have laid here depressed and anxiety ridden. I will not let this overtake me. I’m fine… it’s fine… everything is fine.

The lesson is I love myself. Never accept less than you deserve. Stop taking shit and own that shit.

I Am Not a Ninja

Methodically in my head ninjas are amazing. They are covered for no one to reveal their identity. They hide in the dark and they are so incredibly fast that no one can hardly prove their existence.

Ninjas are warriors who in one swoop save the world in that moment….. I am not a ninja. Well there was that one time I managed to get into my child’s room reach under their pillow and snatched a tooth and left a few dollars (lol). Otherwise I’m more like an untrained elephant in life struggling to not trample everything that exists around me.

If it’s not self destructing I will manage to find a way to destroy it with ease and grace even. My past follows every move I make, everything I see and hear. I trust nothing after it has deceived me once.

If it weren’t for my kids I would be lost. I would not exist. I know my purpose and know what I have to accomplish to succeed. There isn’t a man in this world that can stop me no matter the sticks and stones they cast.

It is exhausting more times than not. I am a mother but… I am not a ninja.

Fight of my life…. Again!

The divorce talk has ceased… We have agreed to meet in the middle silently. Through the heat of anger came honesty, reality, truth that needed to be spoken. Truth that hurt but opened both of our eyes. Why must you hit rock bottom to realize what you have?

I have so much hurt and damage from past relationships

My last day… My future is endless!

I ended my RN program today…. My last assignment is complete. 18 months of hell that I thought would never end as I counted down every day and week. I swung at every curveball thrown at me and I hit a home run! Not even sure how it happened. Only 1 B the entire time. Surgery, sepsis, dealing with child sex predators the FBI, US Marshall’s and State Police.

My husband still is the same guy; loving and supportive and the one person who beats me down for taking school so seriously. Most every day laser focus with upset and anger in the background. I had to make it to the last day so that my future could be endless.

The anxiety hasn’t let up. The PTSD is worse than it has been in a long time. Everything is a trigger. I still look at myself in the mirror and wonder who or what I am looking at. I even got a new therapist on my birthday. That was a blast telling her what a hot mess disaster I am. It’s the only way though.

How do I keep myself grounded? How do I find joy and happiness again?

Her Again….

One evening casually making a call to get sushi on my husbands phone I glance over at his text messages only to to find him talking to her again. The old assistant he had the previous two years in his …

Exhausted

I just can’t make it stop…. It feels like my heart his ripping thru my chest. I can’t catch my breath. The pain is crushing. What is going on? I am just sitting here in silence.

The existence of anxiety adds to my anxiety. Knowing that this isn’t logical drive the stress higher. I stop and think about what could be the driving force and there are no explanations. I just continue on.

I wake with it and go to sleep with it most days. One medication doesn’t work fast enough to catch it and even then just knocks off a slight edge. The other medication knocks me out which can’t happen in my world. The prescription I know works they won’t prescribe it thanks to people who abuse drugs.

What caused me to get to this point? It has been 23 years of terror. Physical, sexual and mental abuse on myself and my children. I have tried so hard to protect them and yet they still have went thru hell. Now I am broken…. Exhausted.