I don’t have the words to explain what severe anxiety and PTSD feel like. It may feel different for others but it’s like my whole inner body is just going to rip thru my skin. My heart races and chest pain ensues. The thoughts just race thru your head almost a million at a time. Some memories of the past which turn into other memories of the past linking them to the current situation that leads to absolute fear of the future.
I used to think I was crazy when something would trigger my PTSD. My real horror was when I no longer needed a trigger. Out of nowhere it happened. I could be celebrating a holiday or on a picnic and as quickly as lightning strikes there it is to ruin my happy moment. It almost feels like it’s on purpose. As if I don’t deserve those wonderful moments like others do.
I forget to take my medication frequently until the days of anxiety attacks and PTSD hit me so hard and then it hits… Great just great I have messed up my medicine again. One may ask how that happens. Sometimes it’s my hectic life as a mother, or as a nurse, or a wife, ballmom, student, housekeeper, billpayer, grocery shopper, or other times it’s that I am so exhausted doing and being all those other things that I don’t want to move.
I wish I could medicate myself into selective amnesia. There are times I think I would accept complete amnesia but I could never imagine losing the memories with my children. I just medicate to the point that my anxiety and PTSD don’t affect my body much. Nothing bad just Wellbutrin and Klonopin at times when it’s out of control. I’m thankful I haven’t turned back to drinking and never turned to illegal drugs to numb me. I would rather live with the memories and lose who I am.
In all reality I am a good human and I deserve good things to happen to me. I lose myself in the PTSD so hard I forget that. I push away everything that means anything as a means of protection. If I push them away I can not be hurt. I submerge myself into school and work to hide from my feelings. My pain is nonexistent when I’m busy.
How do I win? The doctors don’t want to give me anymore medication thanks to those who use drugs illegally. I don’t want to be a zombie I just want to not feel like this. It’s an internal torture that makes you doubt yourself. It creates panic and fear. I just need those parts to stop.
I Just Want To Survive 