We all look to having a soulmate who will forever bring days of sunshine and love. That person sitting there holding your hand looking at you with undying love and passion every day (or close to it) of your life. The person who does those little things to let you know they thought of you. Heartfelt gifts that let know they dug see and truly know you.
I have been married for 4 years… I do not have this. However, I have a man that believes if he does his and his sons laundry and throws it back into a basket and their dishes into the dishwasher then I should know how much he loves me.
For Mother’s Day this year he ran 3 miles up the road to pick up the Walmart order I paid for. That and his clothes and dishes. When I was asked repeatedly what was wrong I finally said it was mother’s day and I made breakfast and dinner for everyone. To which he replied how he had done those things for me today.
I accepted the fact that I was again not enough to do anything for and just went on about my evening and scrubbed down the kitchen and did the dishes, pots and pans.
When I finished and went back to the couch to retire for the evening he started in on me again. He hashed up all the things he had previously said then followed it up with the smack down of how he “could not wait to sweep me off my feet if I could just show I’m more into this relationship”. Wtfreak??!?? I married him I have stayed in this relationship and paid for the majority of all the costs incurred, watched him talk to another woman over the period of 3 years, trade a vehicle I paid the majority of for him a midlife crisis car, and never get anything romantic or personal from him.
It upsets me so much. I question my sanity or desperation at this point. So to that I say I don’t need someone to make my life better I can do that on my own if I want. What I do need is someone that doesn’t make it worse.
I am by no means a saint. I am also by no means the worst. I blow up I get over it. I look forward as much as possible. How in the hell do you look past another woman? But I have. Yes, I am a fool. I just want a Disney movie that will never happen.
I’m fine. I see a glimmer of light in the pool of reality. It’s tough to eat reality. I just refuse to quit even in the darkest. I have laid here depressed and anxiety ridden. I will not let this overtake me. I’m fine… it’s fine… everything is fine.
The lesson is I love myself. Never accept less than you deserve. Stop taking shit and own that shit.
I Just Want To Survive 