Praying For Peace

There are no sorrows. The stranger dawns my phone. The face is familiar yet unknown. Anxiety drives my heartbeat. Home is uncomfortable. Medicine is my only relief.

You promised forever. You were kind and gentle. Now ridden with cold and stone. Tomorrow may show more or has potential to worsen. Why is this so hard?

I plan for a move. I save for my future that was once to be ours. I refuse to be together but riding solo.

You have this amazing way of turning it all on me. It’s a gift that strangles my sanity. It angers and saddens me.

The trust is gone. I am done sacrificing and taking blame. I am solely focused on what comes next. I pray for peace not reconciliation at this point. This is life with a narcissist who has mastered gaslighting.

I Love Dare… Me

So I made it thru day 1. My husband went to Pittsburgh and I didn’t get an official start on day 2. I did, however, continue with the no negativity. The day he was to return home I looked at my bank account that was completely drained until Thursdays paycheck. I was sad and angry. He took another month to not help me pay bills. I knew my niceness had worn off.

I was determined to confront the situation but had full intentions on continuing to keep my negative behavior out of it as much as possible. I let him know I was stressed and why to which he responded by telling me I had told him to move out and I had talked to another man. Guess that means you don’t have to pay bills. Even with that he’s broke. No money. Or so he claims. Which is fine I knew how he would respond.

Yesterday was his birthday. I returned the favor he did for my birthday and did and said nothing…. Actually, I let him live free for another month I figure that is a sufficient gift for a man of his caliber.

I sent him a message in the early A.M. to which I woke with the response I expected. Him claiming his innocence and being the victim. Poor boy. I feel so sorry for him his wife said she was getting a divorce to another man that she talked to after he chose to go to a woman’s house and lied for months. A woman that I have cried over for three years. It’s ok though…

I am strong and numb. Great mix for waking up to reality. In these moments I realize that I am worth more than this. That the person that I need to dare to love is myself. I need to expect and not settle for less than half as a bar to reach for anyone in my life. I’m worth so much more and yet I will take any crumb someone throws my way.

Today no fights no anger. I want to remain graceful and calm. I want to focus on the one person I have neglected for 23 years now. I want to begin to embrace her and love her the way she deserves to be loved. That means not making my feelings negotiable.

I no longer accept less than I want at my expense. I am willing to make tough choices and follow thru with them to enrich my life. I’m done with excuses and the fix it all for everyone else attitude. Today I choose me.

Love Dare: Day 1 don’t say anything negative

So early in the day this proved to be a little more difficult. However, this made me mindful on a constant basis of his feelings and how he might take things. This also made me very self aware of just how many negative things I say or think.

Honestly, although hard it made me feel better. I don’t actually think he even realized, however, he does appear to be a little more upbeat…

Now on to day 2… I must continue to not say anything negative and perform a random gesture of kindness. He’s leaving for Pittsburg tomorrow so this may have to go on hold. Which may not be a horrible thing since I probably need a heck of a lot more practice at the not saying anything negative. (please continue to pray for my strength and endurance)

I am absolutely committed to doing this with all my heart. My marriage is in pieces and this is my last effort to turn things around.

The Love Dare… 40 days…

My marriage quite frankly is not good. So much of me would rather walk away. I tell myself I would be better off. I feel used and exhausted. I feel like my feelings are discounted and my past is used against me.

This is my last effort to change myself for my marriage. Part of me doesn’t even know why I want to try after the last 4 years. The other part of me doesn’t want to let the man I somehow love walk away. I’m very torn.

Many years ago I was going thru my second divorce. I found the Love Dare and bought it with full intentions of using it. I did not. Today I was cleaning out my garage in a fit of anxiety as well as anger. I found myself in totes full of memories. In the process, I find my book. I quickly realized this was why God motivated me to clean and organize at least half of the garage.

I have made a pact with the big man in the sky to complete the Love Dare at all cost. It won’t be an easy challenge. I like to speak my mind and know I find faults in the tiniest of things. However, I am committed to changing myself. I want to be a better wife and a better person. I want the good Lord to guide me and work within me. I have faith that with HIS grace, mercy and strength I will get thru this challenge and we can save our marriage.

So instead of journaling in the book I will be posting my endeavors here. Wish me luck and say some prayers for me.